Do the best artists have tortured souls?

Following a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago, I considered the question, 'Do the best artists have tortured souls?'

I have been writing a diary since I was sixteen and the frequency of my entries range from daily to monthly depending on the content of my life. I then created this blog in a moment of confusion and emptiness. There was a space in my life and writing initially filled that void and gave me a new focus. I wrote frequently at the start, then sporadically and now almost rarely. Is this because the void has filled a little? I like to think so.

I mainly write about things that trouble, confuse or anger me. When I am content, I do not feel the need to write. Perhaps this is because I am afraid to flaunt my happiness in a public way, in the fear that others might see it as insensitive. Or maybe I genuinely do not have anything to warrant a rant during these periods.

Ironically I feel that my best posts are those full of confusion, doubt or angst. I find therapy in the written word and I feel a sense of achievement once a post is complete. The idea is that this theory transfers to all types of artists from poets to painters and musicians to actors seems to make sense.

Can these artists only produce work about hurt, pain, sorrow and negativity? Maybe not, or if so, is it because those emotions produce the best creativity? Arguably this very idea is subjective as a work of art can be perceived by one person as positive and another as negative.

So perhaps not all the best artists are tortured, but I gurantee the first artists that spring to mind most definately were!

What is the need for 3D?

3D Television and cinema has recently become extremely popular, since the release of Avatar last year. I was not a major fan, but could definitely appreciate the new cinematography techniques. Avatar gave 3D technology a new edge, as before it was mainly used for children's films and family favourites. It made it artistic and exciting.

However, now it seems that film makers saw the success of 3d technology and thought, 'What a great idea, now lets use it to death!' I am being slightly dramatic but I feel that this idea, once innovative and interesting has now been thrust into the mainstream and there's a definite danger of over-using it.

Although 3D technology was invented in the 1950s, it has been popularised over the last decade and now it seems every new film to be released is using it. The most anticipated films of the year, that already have cult followings and are sure to storm the box office, feel the need to add this extra. The final Harry Potter installments are using the technology and it is rumoured that Breaking Dawn of the Twilight Saga is using it too. While stated in the trailers as a selling point for new films, the mere mention of '3D' sends me into frustration and begs me to ask the question, 'Why the need?'

This technology doesn't make it a better film. It doesn't affect the plot, characters or emotional journey of the story. Of course I understand that directors want to break the fourth wall and transport the audience into the world of the film. Yet, shouldn't this be achieved through an excellent script with first rate acting?

As an actor, perhaps I am worried that the success of 3D technology may diminish the original truth of a script and the talent of the actors within it. With 3D effects captivating children's imaginations with creatures that look real; why does it matter if the plot is a little thin? Let's not pretend that while Avatar was visually spectacular, it did evidently steal it's plot from Disney's Pocahontas!

I guess I feel that although 3D technology can be very effective, its recent overuse is turning it into a gimmick used to ensure new films are brought to the forefront. Directors seem to feel that in order to be taken seriously, they must compete with Avatar's figures and use 3D technology in their films. Avatar was created to demonstrate the elegance of 3D technology. That was it's main aim and unique selling point. Now films with a completely different focus and appeal are using this technology as an added extra to entice audiences. For me it does quite the opposite.

The technology affects your cinema experience in a negative way from the onset. The ridiculous glasses you must wear are at an additional cost. These are often uncomfortable and affect your viewing enjoyment. This is on top of paying more for your cinema ticket. Directors are however not stupid. They know that if the film is popular enough audiences will go to see it anyway. Meanwhile they earn more money and ensure they are following in the latest trend.

Ultimately that is how I see 3D technology. A trend that I hope will only survive a little longer. I am starting to envisage a world of 3D televisions in the home and everyone owning their own set of 3D glasses....Quite tragic!

3D technology arrived as a new art form. My fear now is that it may eventually ruin the true art of film.

Not the time to be yellow

So September has been and the gone. The month of starting something new. Although January is the accepted 'New Year', for those still in education September is always a new beginning or continuation. Once we leave that bubble, we feel lost. There is nothing new to begin. Nothing more to continue. We are stopped. What happens to September now?

It becomes the month of applications, CV send outs, appointments and hopeful interviews. There's always the lucky few who are immediately accepted onto another course, or into a new job. For the rest of us Autumn approaches slowly, filled with empty days, slow weeks and mind-dumbing Facebook procrastination! We are so frustrated with our lack of success we become immersed in it. We are content to let time pass and allow ourselves to become lazy, while convinced we are doing all we can. Possible opportunities arise and we find a million excuses about their unsuitability and inconvenience. Our self esteem lowers and we are now ruled by fear and cowardice. At the time we need to be inspired, confident and ready for any challenge, we are introverted and doubtful.

It is only when friends and family notice the change and challenge us, do we reluctantly see our error. By nature, humans do not want to be cowards ruled by fear. Sometimes we do not even realise we are afraid. It may be hard to hear, but our loved ones tell us the truth even though it may hurt, because they care.

It can be frightening to begin with, but accepting that we are scared and moving forward regardless is the hardest part. We have no way of knowing if we will be successful, but taking a step in a new direction will put things into motion. Whether this creates a good or bad outcome, at least we are not longer cowards standing still, but confident humans moving forward.

Flutter by...

My butterfly mind feels a little stagnant. The wings are tired and fluttering seems an effort. Time has stopped, well slowed significantly. I am reasonably busy, many things are moving in the right direction if a few have not budged, yet I feel a bit...still.

It could be a case of the calm after the storm. I feel like sometimes you can have an amazing week, where you are extremely busy, lots happens and you barely have time to breathe. Then in some form of pattern, the following week drags beyond belief. Often this is suspected when we are waiting for something. When we are eager or excited for a particular event, it often seems as though it will never arrive. Then again,if something out of the ordinary or particularly wonderful happens, we become so wrapped up in a state of bliss that anything normal to follow seems mundane and very dull. Sometimes this is not the case at all and we cant seem to find a logical reason for the day's lethargy and so we become frustrated.

I think that our own paranoia can add to this frustration. The slow day makes us feel lethargic and lazy, so we cannot concentrate on anything but our sluggish surroundings and so obsess about them even further. Obviously each person is different. Some love to have hours to kill, watching a film or relaxing. Others find the prospect of an empty day tedious and mind-numbing. As always the concept is subjective.

For now I am unsettled by my unmoving butterflies and I wish they would flutter by. Or maybe they are perfectly happy and my anxiety is simply the anticipation of another cocoon getting ready to open.

What am I thinking?

Can't you tell? Oh right I haven't said anything yet. What if you could read my mind? What if you knew my thoughts before I spoke? What if our sub-text was not safe, our private opinions were publicised and our deepest desires were demonstrated for all to see?

The concept of mind-reading or telepathy is mainly paralleled with the supernatural and fantastical. Defined as 'communication from one mind to another by extrasensory means', telepathy as an idea, provokes many questions about its nature and if it exists at all. Many films and TV shows have telepathy as a skill of fantastical creatures; wizards, witches, werewolves and more currently the human companions of vampires. These characters usually possess this skill as a detective aid to sniff out the clues, as what people actually say is not always what they are thinking. This tackles the honesty of humanity as a whole. By using telepathy in ficitonal stories only, this limits its credibility as a concept that could actually exist in reality.

However, what if it did? Could you imagine what life would be like? The film What Women Want sums up rather comically, how men would react if they had to listen to women's thoughts all day. Yet, in reality if this was so, I don't know how long we would be laughing. Would anyone actually bother to talk at all?

There must be a reason humans were created without this ability. Obviously some humans are more honest than others, but we all filter our thoughts. Minds wander naturally. They go off on tangents, procrastinate into corners and fly away into dreams, fantasies and nightmares. Often dreadful or obscene things come into our heads for a brief moment without our consent and we quickly banish them before they settle. If anyone else heard these evil mutterings we would all surely be looked upon in disgust.

It must be a safety mechanism. We cannot hear each others thoughts because it is not safe to do so. It is barely safe to speak our thoughts allowed in some circles! Within reason, I more or less say whatever I am thinking. This can sometimes get me into trouble, but I find honesty is usually the best policy.

Maybe if more of us spoke honestly, we wouldn't even need the concept of telepathy as what we say would be enough. Until then, I'm sure people will still be asking...'What are you thinking?'

It's a small world after all...

We all know that the world is quite large, okay not as large as the sun but large enough. There are 195 countries and an estimated six billion people living in them, so we expect that in our lives we are only given a tiny glimpse of what this glorious planet has to offer.

Assuming that idea is true we are often surprised when world seems to be smaller than we think. We can discover unexplained coincidences, and strange occurrences where our perception of the world's size is altered. Recently I have found many of these surrounding other people in my life. I went away to University and met new people from all over the United Kingdom and found that one of my new classmates was dating a guy from my secondary school. They are now living together not far from me! I have recently re-met an old acquaintance and found that they live round the corner from my grandparents! You can bump into old friends after years have gone past and they already know your new best friend. A famous idea that relates to this is the 'six degrees of separation' concept created by Frigyes Karinthy and then written into a play by John Guare. It is the 'idea that everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of, "a friend of a friend" statements can be made to connect any two people in six steps or fewer.'

With social networking sites like Facebook it is often quite easy to see how this concept works with the 'mutual friends' feature. We are often surprised at how our friends from one area of our life know others from a completely unrelated area.

Whether these concepts and occurrences are all just coincidences not to be analysed or explained, remains the question. I seem to overuse the world 'random' when describing something that I find surprising or out of the ordinary. While some may argue that everything is random, I am then without a word to describe what such affairs mean.

Without an explanation and not even sure if I need one I am left to realise that It's a small world after all and in the words of the Disneyland Attraction, 'It's a world of laughter, A world of tears. It's a world of hopes, And a world of fears. There's so much that we share, That it's time we're aware, It's a small world after all.'

Who needs realism?

Over the last three years I have become more realistic as a person. Whether this was intentional I am yet to know, but it is an attribute that comes with growing up and one that unfortunately cannot be avoided.

Realism affects our ambitions, our hopes and dreams. That's why children are encouraged to fantasise, create stories and fuel their imagination in every way possible. Their innocence, determination and positivity is short lived. By adulthood it is replaced, by responsibility, cynicism and realism.

Often having a realistic outlook is beneficial. It is part of self-preservation, by enclosing ourselves in the idea of realism we expect to be disappointed, rejected and confused. That way we do not set our sights above our reach and can be pleasantly surprised on the rare occasions when our negativity is proved false.

However, realism can also cause extreme bitterness as it can vanquish the purity of undiluted ambition and prevent the desire to succeed. Many of us give up before we have begun, not because we don't believe we can do it, but because the stakes are too high and the statistics are against us. Therefore we provide the excuse that we are just being realistic.

I have uttered the previous sentence on many occasions in the last year, but when someone asked where my ambition had gone, I thought it was still intact just slightly matured. I was wrong it had been worn, eaten away by the need to grow up and think of the obtainable.

What is realism anyway? It is defined as 'a concern for fact or reality and rejection of the impractical and visionary' in the dictionary. So a dream is now considered impractical. Haven't they missed the point? The whole idea of dreaming is to reach for something more, something you cant see, something that you may never reach but at least you tried.

That is the point, to try. To endeavour to reach your own goals however unachievable they seem on a daily basis. However realistic we are, we cannot foresee the future. We do not know what reality may throw back at us. How do we know if reality as we know it even exists at all? We don't.

So next time you really really want something that's slightly out of reach, dont accept that it is too difficult and impractical. Just ask youself, 'Who needs realism?'

So Geography was important afterall!

Who knew that after hours of learning about rocks and volcanoes the most boring lesson of the week would actually turn out to be very important? Of course I am not referring to exactly what was taught in the classroom, but more how our lives can cover oceans and continents alike.

Travel has become a big part of society today. People like to go away for a holiday to relax, escape their lives and experience something new. Others like to take years and explore their favourite destinations to discover and find themselves. Sometimes travel is a necessity, we might travel for our job or for a religious endeavour. As people we do not like to be stationary as we can get bored with the continuous and so travelling provokes a new and healthy change in our lives.

Geography can sometimes become an obstacle, mainly within relationships. We cannot always live near the people we love. Families are divided across the world. We are forced to wait months in between seeing close friends. Romantic relationships can end because the couple cannot commit to a long-distance relationship. This can become ironic as you can meet your soul mate online and they have to live across the other side of the world rather than on your doorstep! Whether we allow this to affect us is the question.

I guess what I have recently learnt is that we sometimes let geography control us when we hold all the power. Once we allow someones address or the problem of travel to get in our way, we become a victim of earth and water!

My plea to you is as follows: Go visit that friend you have wanted to for the last year. Stop pouring over holiday brochures, start saving and book that dream getaway. Do not give up on a good romance because it might take a train or two to make it work. Finally to the kids: Pay attention in school, you might learn something!

A reminder to forget.

I have been thinking lately about how difficult it is to control what we remember, and how much our memories control our lives. Memories are defined as 'an image or impression of one that is remembered'. What we remember is subjective but perhaps it cannot be controlled at all.

Often we believe that it is in our best interest to banish certain memories from our psyche. For example, at the end of an era a mourning process begins and we must focus our attentions upon our new lives. Therefore recalling fond memories, pouring over old photos and mourning over lost laughs can be detrimental to the healing process.

Our time to reflect and remember our past can be quite therapeutic and fill our minds with a time when we experienced great happiness. As Tennessee Williams beautifully describes, 'In memory everything seems to happen to music'. However when our memories are negative we naturally become depressed and wish we could erase them completely.

An ironic part of this process occurs when we try desperately to not think of a certain event, person or specific memory. At this time everything around seems to remind us of exactly what we are trying to forget. Is this an unlikely coincidence? The devil on our shoulder making life extra difficult? Or simply our lack of control exposing itself further?

Naturally it is a waste of time and effort fighting to control something we ultimately cannot. A life with memories, good and bad is better than a life with nothing. We need to remember any lessons learnt, experiences had and dreams that may become realities and if a few reminders and memories help us on the way, then so be it.

Avoiding the inevitable

'And now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain' Good old Frank Sinatra there in 'My Way' talking how the pride of achievement can be see as quite amusing when we look back on everything we have faced to get there.

Now as I am fast approaching the end of my degree, my final show and having to say goodbye to many special people, I am burdened with many mixed emotions. The last three years have been some of the best and worst times of my life, and all the memories will stay with me for what I hope to be a very long time. While some have had their fill of education, and are eager to return to their families and quite happy to say a brief, dry -eyed goodbye to their University days, others react differently. For them, the mere idea that we will all be going our separate ways, and many of the friends we have made we will realistically never see again is too much to bear. Some are not moving back home and so their future begins from their university town, but life will be very different when everyone they know has moved on.

The underlying entity that is present here is the inevitable. The unavoidable, definite, foreboding occurrence that no person can control but only await. This becomes particularly confusing when the inevitable provides positive and negative outcomes. I have two days left of University, I am extremely excited about the final show and want to get through a long day of rehearsing to perform one final time with all the friends I have made. However, after that show everyone is going to leave.

'Packing' has become a dirty word in the last week, none of us want to even think of starting and those that have started, find that the task provides further reminders of the last three years making it even more difficult to continue. I have tried to slightly pack and just sat in the midst of boxes and papers, despairing at the thought of having nowhere at home to put all my various belongings and accumulated items. Walking past my flatmates room to find furniture missing and the walls bare, I avert my eyes to pretend that she is not actually leaving.

Watching half my year group perform their final show last night, provided me with tears of pride at what they had accomplished over the three years. It is amazing that at times like this we can banish all negativity, regrets and injustices and focus on the positive memories, lessons learnt and relationships made. We can all say goodbye, cry and embrace and have a few drinks to celebrate what was good and then go our separate ways. It is only once the summer has passed, and September arrives without a new term, module guide or pub crawl that we will realise that the inevitable has finally arrived.

After reminiscing, worrying, anticipating the end and feeling quite anxious about how it is going to affect me. I suddenly realise that it hasn't happened just yet. So why not hold off the tears and empty feelings, and embrace the here and now as A.J.P Taylor reminds us 'Nothing is inevitable, until it happens'and well-known in the world of show business,'The show must go on'.

The Warm and Fuzzy feeling

I am of course referring to the rather nice but rare feeling found after snuggling up with a mug of hot chocolate; sitting by a fire in the winter, receiving a piece of good news, or a nice gift, or returning from a successful first date. (Or anything that involves romance!)

The feeling is usually followed by an involuntary need to grin like a Cheshire cat from ear to ear. This grinning cannot be prevented and can last from 5 minutes to 3 days depending on how intense the warm and fuzzy feeling is. In fact the smiling is so much that it usually prevents the recipient from talking. It can also be accompanied by high pitched screams of excitement and the recipient may also find that they are glowing with happiness.

After informing everyone that will listen of their reasons for this feeling, and enduring their friends giggles, taunts and proud smiles, the recipient is left content and a little warm but not as fuzzy. The feeling is so intense at first that once gone it is mourned and becomes addictive and then craved by the recipient if they do not experience it at regular intervals. For example, like an addiction one might have to Starbucks frappuccinos :) (no idea who would have that by the way!)

While awaiting their next fix of warm and fuzziness, the recipient may worry what may happen if their new found positivity is suddenly taken away. They are filled with the fear that after experiencing something so intense and fulfilling that they may be left empty again and the blow may be too hard to bear. I mean, after tasting real chocolate who really wants anything chocolate flavoured? The recipient may also wonder if they have been deceived or tricked and what they experienced wasn't a warm and fuzzy feeling at all. (You know Ashton Kutcher can pop out from behind a bush at anytime people!)

All these worries of course are controlled and produced by our need to be realistic and often controlled by a subconscious tendency to be cynical and expect the worst. This does not remedy well with the Warm and Fuzzy feeling, that exists to shine an element of the fantastical on everyday life. We all try not to dwell on fantasies nowadays as it often leads to disappointment. Therefore it is hard to believe that the Warm and Fuzzy feeling is A) happening at all and B) if we really deserve it.

I guess the greeting on the Warm and Fuzzy gift card should read:

"The Recipient must enjoy this comfortably and openly in every way possible. They must not disguise it any way, but embrace it and avoid any negative or cynical thoughts. If these rules are breached the Warm and Fuzzy fairy might revoke their card - Feelings may vary, Terms & Conditions apply"

Well, if we are going to live in fantasy world, we might as well make it legal!

I'm not crying, that's just rain on my face!

While ironically funny, the above expression shows how some people deal with the body's biological reflex to an intense emotion. By definition, 'cry is from the Latin quiritare, to make a public outcry', which could relate to many different emotions, eg. sadness, frustration, anger. We often cry because we are trying to deal with a complex emotion and our brains react to this by releasing moisture from the eyes. It is a completely natural and biological action, therefore why are so many of us afraid of it?

Of course there is the stereotypical view that crying is a woman's game, as they are the most emotional sex and therefore men do not cry. Ever. However, some people consider the act of crying to be a weakness or an embarrassment. Granted not all tears are the same, sometimes uncontrollable sobbing can be quite dramatic and and so we may wish to cry in private, however the act can also be therapeutic. Directly linked to the grieving process, crying can help us to deal with our feelings of loss or bitterness as bottling up our tears can often lead to more sorrow and confusion.

Often tears can be created from the emotions and experience of others. For example, when we watch a sad film, or listen to a moving piece of music. This is of course different for each person and is subjective. While one might find a film heartbreaking another might not. In a debate with friends, some said that they can only follow a story emotionally if they can personally connect with the events that unfold. Only then may they feel emotional enough to cry. As a person who has no reservations about crying and often feels better after a small sob, during sad films my tears flow freely. Therefore a decent acting performance and a compelling storyline can send me sobbing, whether I can directly relate to the characters or not. Sometimes however if we expect a film to be really sad, it often doesn't live up to our expectations and we are left wondering why. Again it's just subjective!

I think it all comes down to control. Are we in control of our emotions? Even though crying is a biological reaction, some would say that we are in control of cour minds and bodies so we can control how we feel. I think some people are obviously better at this than others. I believe that if something is trying to escape than why fight it? Why be afraid or ashamed of it? Why justify it? Finally, do not be afraid of your tears. As Ryan Seacrest says, 'It's okay to cry, It's because you care.'

Smiling Strangers

Spurred on by the recent 'Underground challenge' of a friend and fellow blogger; asking people to start a conversation with a random person on the tube, I became more aware of our interaction with strangers.

We see different people each day of our lives but do not actually meet them. I think this is because many people put up a subconscious wall, which only falls when they are surrounded by people they already know. This is by no means the case for all people, but I have noticed recently that some really struggle to show their emotions with strangers and seem cold, rude and oblivious to much of what happens around them. This may be clever, as we are all taught at school 'to never talk to strangers'. Yet, a wise man once said that strangers are simply friends we have not yet met.

Obviously personalities will differ from person to person. Some of us are personable creatures, loud, friendly, confident and willing to chat to anyone who will chat back. Others are introverted, quiet, and prefer to sit back, watch and listen rather than join in. Neither is right or wrong, however the latter can sometimes give the wrong impression to a stranger. A shy person can often come across as cold, apathetic or sometimes moody. This person could be all these things and that is their prerogative but what if they are simply scared? I am not asking the entire world to be happy 24/7 and obviously we all have good and bad days, however a smile can often make someones day.

Our society shows life to be fast-paced, everyone is always busy, in a hurry or in the middle of something extremely important, maybe they do not have the time to stop or start anything new. Again a smile can be exchanged in a mere second, a few words in a minute. I often see that people avoid conversations and situations with new people. In improvisation we call this 'blocking'; when an actor offers an idea, a theme, an olive branch, if the other actor responds in the opposite direction they are blocking the action and preventing the scene from unraveling. In life many of us are scared of what may be unravelled, scared of what we do not know. Our observation for manners and politeness can often get in the way of our need to branch out. Most of the time When i wish to talk to a stranger, it is usually because I have eavesdropped on their conversation and have something to add! In most cases I do not offer my opinion as it would of course seem rude to a stranger. However, on one occasion they may be interested and find my nosey nature amusing...who can know?

I can explicitly remember the few times I have interacted with a stranger; shared a conversation, laughed with them about the surroundings or helped them out with a problem. Not all were good encounters and I did not necessarily make life-long friends in these situations, but I have extra memories to keep for life. Each one showing a smiling stranger :)

Take a look at SupePennie and the 'Underground Challenge'
http://superpennie.blogspot.com/2010/04/underground-challenge.html

Is cynical thinking just self-preservation?

Recently I have noticed that in life we can be extremely cynical of certain situations and the people that surround us. Cynicism is defined as 'contemptuously distrustful of human nature and motives'. Sometimes previous experience teaches us that things aren't always what they seem, so we act with caution to avoid disappointment. This means we subconsciously feel negative towards an idea or situation and then feel guilty for immediately predicting the worst outcome. Should we torture ourselves for protecting our feelings?

George Carlin believes that 'Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.' This change occurs with age. As children we are gullible and naive, we dream and idealise about what may, might or could happen with no thought of how we might feel if it doesn't. However, as we get older we start to lose faith in the improbable and become more self-aware. Cynicism can be linked to realism, in that we blame our negative thinking on a need to be realistic. We are aware of the tough world we live in and expect little so we can be pleasantly surprised when we recieve a lot. Daniel Waters expands on this, 'In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow you to get some entertainment out of it.' He shows how we often feel better with our cynical viewpoint, as it saves us from the shame and embarrassment of believing everything and then looking like a fool.

Unfortunately some people become cynical about everything in the world, which leads to bitterness and resentment. 'A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.' (Henry Louis Mencken) These people become blind to any form of positivity and put a negative spin on everything in an attempt to safeguard their emotions. Our bitterness towards certain situations can stem from other's views, previous experiences or what society tells us to believe. The biblical story of the 'Good Samaritan' is a case example. It shows of how we do not expect kindness from a stranger, because we are led to believe that humans are all self-centered and out for their own gain. However, sometimes there is one person who is an exception to the rule and thinks of others.

A couple of weeks ago I had my belongings stolen on a night bus in London. I remember reacting with surprising apathy, just accepting my fate and casually criticising mankind. A few days later I received a letter with my cards and I.D enclosed. A stranger had found my items in their back garden and taken the time to return them to me. I was completely surprised that someone would go to that trouble. Why do I expect to be robbed but not to be compensated? Am I cynical or is the world cynical?

Questions also arise when a cynic requires proof in order to believe something to be true. With freedom of speech we can say within reason, what we like, however there is no proof to establish if what we say is true. We can meet people who relay fantastical stories and events which we want to believe are real, but something inside tells us they are not factual. We become guilty and feel bad for doubting a friend, but cannot disguise the glimmer of hope than exists within us, that wants to believe them. Oscar Wilde describes a cynic as 'A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.' To avoid this label we might be better off investing in the glimmer of hope we spend so much time trying to hide.

I hope that mankind does not wish to be cynical and look at the world negatively. Equally we do not want to wear rose coloured glasses, as life may disappoint us more than we expect it to. Henry Louis Mencken's view may be self-preserving, 'The cynics are right nine times out of ten' However, if one time out of ten we take a risk and give someone the benefit of the doubt, we might stop being cynical or even hopeful and start to be happy.

The Missing Piece.

Started writing in my diary thinking this was something I didn't want to share with the world, then changed my mind. As how can you be afraid to share what you don't have?

Watched 'Dear John' this evening and in addition to sobbing for most of the film I got thinking. I absolutely knew that as it's from the same writers as 'The Notebook ', it would be a heart-wrenching romantic film and I therefore expected to cry but not for the reason I did. Ironically and probably quite ignorantly what made me the most upset was the fact that I could not understand how they felt, having not not known that type of love in my life yet. The type of love I call - The missing piece.

You know the type of love I mean right? Well maybe you don't. Love that consumes you, love that keeps you breathing. Love that keeps you awake at night and gives you a reason to wake up in the morning. Love that is your moon, stars and sun. The type of love that once you find it you can't imagine letting it go and the thought of that ever happening fills you with indescribable fear. Love where you know the bad and good and it doesn't matter. Love that makes you so frustrated and then so fulfilled at the same time. Love that completes you. Love like Romeo and Juliet, Elizabeth and Mr Darcy, Pocahontas and John Smith and of course love like Bella and Edward.

I am of course aware that with all the good, love can also bring pain and heartache. Which in turn provides a way for us to learn, grow, adapt and change. Without it I therefore feel I am missing an opportunity, missing a piece in my life. Is something missing or am I just missing out on something? The sensible answer it that it is just not the right time for me to experience this 'something'. Who knows? Who cares? Well annoyingly enough I do and that is a good point. The more time and effort I spend caring and worrying about my empty space, is probably what delays the missing piece from finding it. Ironic and irritatingly sensible, this discovery doesn't make the process any easier.

I constantly remind people about how I have no interest in marriage and kids, but yet I wish for something linked with those two things to complete me in a way that one day they will also. I feel without any knowledge of real love how can I imagine myself devoting my life to it. Irrelevant of my age and the fact that I am just starting out in life, I feel behind and confused because I don't know why. Life isn't a race and love is not always a bed of roses and films only show love that is fake right? I believe that anyone who feels this, has found themselves in a similar predicament to me and handles it by being bitter.

Maybe I am behind. Maybe I am missing a piece. Or maybe I am just making a puzzle of everything. All I will say is that when or if I ever do find the missing piece, I will do everything and anything I can to make sure it is a perfect fit. By perfect I don't mean a fantasy, I mean perfectly real. A perfectly real missing piece for a perfectly real puzzle.

'Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.'

Good old Groucho Marx putting life into comedic perspective. He has got one thing correct, time does definitely fly and let me tell you not always when you're having fun.

I think time plays on our subconscious. It has a little game with our mind. This could be when we are so scared we may run out of time and suddenly four hours have passed in what feels like three minutes. Or when we cannot wait for the day to be over and every minute feels like an hour, dragging away, slowly stripping away our souls. Okay slightly dramatic, but time does play an extremely important part in our everyday lives. How we make use of it can affect what the future holds. 'You may delay, but time will not' Benjamin Franklin reminds us of how we avoid things, pretend to forget important tasks and fill our lives with endless futile but instantly gratifying pastimes to prolong the inevitable. Procrastination is a clear example of this. Some people cannot live without this pointless and time consuming activity, while others have the strength and will power to avoid the temptation to sway from what is planned. 'She spent her evenings making poetry, I spent my nights making time.' The Portrait - Amanda Mcbroom.

Bad decisions on how to use our time can often produce deep feelings of regret. Of course any time spent worrying for time lost is further time wastage. A never-ending loop occurs and we are stuck in our own groundhog day. Many films depict this idea in a fantastical light showing how we can change and better ourselves by repeating a certain day over and over leading to greater fulfilment. Fictional stories of time machines have become family favourites over the years as the idea of humans controlling time themselves is thrilling and exciting to watch. This is simply as because to date no human has found a way to control it. (I am of course not counting plastic surgery as way to postpone time)

I found myself recently reminiscing about a Children's TV programme I used to watch as a child, Bernard's Watch. Thinking back now it was a very simple show, where a boy had a watch that could stop time and we followed him on his daily activities where he used the watch to solve problems and create peace and harmony for himself and others. An idyllic and naive concept to us cynical adults but extremely appropriate for imaginative children. In complete irony the same day I thought of this programme, a negative situation occurred that made we utterly wish for that magical watch so I could go and erase it. Now a believer in fate and signs myself, I thought this situation occurred for a reason,(though I cannot seem to discover it yet) therefore If I was to stop time I would be disturbing the natural order of things and the consequences of that could be even worse. This all sounds rather like the prophetic words of an evil character in a Disney film, but surely those stories must have been based on some truth!

People often say there is so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it. Oscar Levant disagrees, 'So little time and so little to do.' I'm guessing he means that if we used our time wisely we would find there is more than enough to spare. In a society where everyone is busy, everything is rushed, and every day is sped through, time is travelling fast and our chosen pace is all that can slow it down. If time is playing a game with us, why not take a back seat and allow the game to unfold? If we stop fighting time, accept that the clock will chime every hour and the sun will set ever day, we may find that we subconsciously have more time. We are better to sit back and enjoy the game rather than sit watching the second hand as it ticks away wasting the few precious seconds we have to plan our next strategic move. 'This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But, it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.' Winston Churchill.

What goes around and comes around?

Karma.

In the last few months I have suddenly become aware of the fragility of human life. It is a known fact that immortality cannot be achieved and we will all eventually die. Yet when young people die before their time we are overcome with sadness. Furthermore when a young person dies as a result of the thoughtless, reckless decisions made by others; we are sad and then angry as we start to realise how short, unfair and unpredictable life really is.

A hit and run accident on New Years Day killed two girls under the age of 21, a boy is still critically ill and one was injured. I happen to know these people so the event is raw and real for me, but this happens to people every day. The rash actions, futile acts of stupidity, and complete and utter misuse of free will condoned by some human beings changes thousands of lives forever. The immediate response to this change is of course devastation, grief and bitterness. However, there are some people who use the idea of Karma to deal with these incidents. karma is defined as, 'the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence' Even though the theory contradictions western religions who say that we succumb to the will of God rather than our own, the same idea is echoed in the Christian phrase, 'reap what you sow' Galatians 6:7.

Some describe Karma as a safety mechanism. It is a way for humans to hope and wish that one day those who commit evil and do wrong, will be punished and receive their comeuppance. When sudden situations, like young deaths occur, I think the idea of Karma and destiny can play an important part in the grieving process. For those who have faith, their grief is aided by God, as they believe he has taken their loved one for a reason and has better things in store for them. However, for those who do not believe, like myself, a discovery is needed to make sense out of shocking disasters, unexplained accidents and events that make no logical sense. This explanation can echo the idea of Karma in that the people responsible for these occurrences will eventually receive their payback. Or by looking at the bigger picture there is an unknown reason for the outcome present now, however the effect of the situation may have set into motion important events to come.

There are many different places where Karma can be noticed, considered or simply wished for. It can be the smallest incident or the greatest disaster. In life it is often said that bad people always seem to get happy endings, but for how long? Wealthy people gamble and win more money while millions starve, will they be rich forever? Just the idea that one day justice may be found can create a little peace for the few people who choose to see it.

Unexplained events surround us every day all over the world. Some just accept these and are content to assume that life on earth is simply that and there is no necessary reason for us to be here. They say we must enjoy our existence and there is not a reason for everything in life. I can see some truth in this idea as there is much about the world we cannot control or understand. Yet what is the harm in trying? I deeply believe that there is a reason for humans to exist, there is a reason we are the superior life form and there is a reason we have a soul, for it to live on after death. Therefore if we need to speculate about life's reasons, wish for justice and create possible rational solutions in our minds in order to feel better, what is the harm? Whether we exist for a reason or not, we all have in us an innate desire for justice and fairness. Therefore when this is not achieved we can but naturally imagine a time when it will be.

Karma is there - should you see a reason for it to exist.

Are you scared of change?

It seems that humans find it hard to deal with the idea of change. Some of course find this more difficult than others. However, I think at one point or another in our lives we will all fight change, when we often need it to win the battle.

It is strange how we can all be so hypocritical about one idea depending on how we are feeling. For example, we sometimes get bogged down in our every day lives, bored with routine, stuck in the same pattern and so we welcome change. We plan a night out to the theatre, bake a cake, or meet up with old friends, just to create something different. These small changes are new and so simply alter our daily lives enough to keep us content. Yet, when changes occur on a larger scale we can start to feel uneasy and therefore afraid. This is because we are always naturally scared of the unknown.

Changes often occur as a result of our behaviour. Relationships break down because one person or both people change, whether emotionally, physically or spiritually. Their desires and wishes change and therefore their needs change. We can sometimes change without knowing it. We start to make decisions and observations that we would not normally and that is when we learn more about ourselves. However hard this process may be, we must wait for the next change to occur, so we can reap the benefits by learning something new, 'Our only security is our ability to change.'John Lilly

I am going to graduate in a few months and that is extremely scary. Leaving the safety of education for the first time, having been safely cocooned in a world of tasks, rules and deadlines for the last sixteen years is daunting to say the least. A certain amount of excitement is present too, however the change comes with a price. I must leave the independent life and friends I have acquired over the last three years and go back, even for a short time, to the life I had before. This will be difficult, as I have now changed as a person and will adapt differently to certain things and people. How I choose do deal with this change will in some way shape the rest of my life.

By definition, to change is 'to make different in some way'. We often associate different with negativity as it is opposed to normality. There are many debates about where normality exists at all, as how can we define what is normal? We can however always easily define a change, as it is immediately out of the ordinary disguised as a crease in the fabric, a chink in our armour or an ornament out of place.

What we need to understand is that all change is healthy. For us to evolve and grow we need to adapt to change, deal with it, embrace it and learn from it. Our lives cannot remain the same for eternity and we should not want them to, or what would the next generation have to work with? John A. Simons demonstrates the idea that everything is governed by change, it is inevitable and we must become accustomed to it. 'If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change.'

Whether anticipated with fear, or welcomed with excitement, changes occur every second of lives and how we choose to greet them, sets into motion another change. I guess changes can be likened to obstacles, these can be high and problematic or simply low and unusual, but we must overcome them all. To live is to change. Summed up quite beautifully by an unknown author:

'If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.'

'The grass is always greener...

on the other side of the fence.' I have heard this phrase many times in the last few days and it seems to be a universally understood concept. The term describes a situation where, 'Other people’s circumstances seem more desirable than one’s own but in reality are often not.'

Humans constantly judge their own lives by measuring what they have against what everyone else has. We are conditioned to strive to be the best, do the right thing, make the correct choice, however our views of other people sometimes taint our better judgement. We can be morally sound and fully aware of right and wrong, however when we deeply desire something and discover that someone else has what we wish for, we can become incredibly dissatisfied with our lives. We then obsess about what we are lacking and totally ignore what we already have.

Often we are totally aware of these obsessions, knowing what we are feeling and aware that it is wrong, but this self-knowledge cannot always provoke us to stop feeling this way. For example, if we are jealous of an other's romantic relationship, it is usually if we happen to be single or going through a rough patch in our love life. Until the latter is over we cannot help but be jealous of those in love. We can become jealous of material objects, such as a car, holiday or simply the good wealth that others have. We often become resentful of others personalities, relationships, experiences and memories. We tend to believe that if we cannot have something, then no-one else should be able to, as this would be unfair. Slightly hypocritical perhaps?

Ideas about human jealousy and resentment have been explored and described over time in a variety of ways. One of The Ten Commandments in The Bible,Exodus 20:2-17, 'You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.' It seems that even God was aware that humans always want what they do not have. Those that believe in him, might ask why he provided us with this dilemma. Perhaps he believes it to be character building as it provides a lesson to be learnt, once recognised. Who knows?

As the definition states, we may think others have more than we do, but the irony is that the people we are jealous of, are probably jealous of us for a different reason. We often suspect others lives are perfect and 'normal', however underneath there are unsolved problems and buried resentments. We need to realise that we cannot have everything or there would be no reason for us to live. Or perhaps we do have everything and that is why we live, to learn this and be grateful for it. Who knows? (ooh Deja-vu)

Whichever way you look at it, yes the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but in the grand subjective scheme of things, that is only our opinion. There are various shades of green, however only one shade is possessed by all of us at some point in our lives. The grass is always green... with ENVY!

Voulez-vous coucher avec mois, ce soir?

Don't worry the above question is only proposed in order to make a point!

Whatever your immediate thoughts, remember them but now take the sentence and translate it into English. It turns from slightly sexy and alluring to provocatively immoral and shockingly forward. Why does this simple change of language incur such a different emotional response? Is it because we pretend we do not understand it? Or maybe just because we associate a french accent with impeccable style and effortless charm we just like to enjoy the way it sounds. I am trying to highlight the notion that certain attributes and ideas are perceived by humans as 'sexy'. Therefore sometimes the direct meaning is taken over by our subsconscious emotional understanding of it.

Take for example music, certain melodies and rhythms can be sexy themselves. Those with musical ability are often thought of as sexy. Whether it is a lead guitarist of a rock band a pop singer or the leading soprano in an opera. There is something about musical talent that is desired, appreciated, admired and therefore craved. This is all also echoed in the idea of power. This invisible force a human can take hold of is quite mesmerising when used correctly. Both mentally and physically, power can be very sexy. Angie Dickinson believes in this theory, 'No question - the more powerful men are, the more sexy they are.'

Intellectual expertise is another of these aspects, those who have a way with words and can articulate a perfect sentence as if it were poetry. People that can caress you with charm, whisper wit into your ear and cover your body in kisses of charisma. Many physical elements aside from the obvious biological ones have also become sexy by definition. Women with red lips, men wearing sunglasses, the smell of the pheromones in aftershave or perfume, a raised eyebrow followed by that indescribable glint in the eye that sends tingles down your spine. Some people manage to tick all these boxes, and I think there is a Greek proverb somewhere that says that these people were blessed twice!

The main qualities we find sexy are the those that are forbidden, secret, dangerous or controversial. We all know that smoking is insanely bad for our health and in the main, unattractive. However, many films show smoking in an sultry snapshot that captivates us beyond belief. Even the most simple idea of darkness. The way a full moon glows on a clear night, or how candlelight flickers in the wind creates a magical feeling of the mystical or the unknown and that is also sexy.

It is all once again subjective and completely down to the individual. What one person find sexy another may not. However, we do all enjoy discovering the certain universal traits that set off the sexy signal in our brains. The connection between most attributes that ooze sex appeal is confidence. This confidence is not necessarily known or created it's an innate, individual self-assurance that is transported through various means, and offers an glimpse of what our soul may look like at it's most attractive, with a bit of glamour thrown in. This can usually simply be achieved with a smile.

Many people including myself, claim that they find it very hard to be sexy. That is probably because they are trying! There are many people in the world who can effortlessly be sexy and get paid thousands of pounds to do so, but it is definitely considered an art form. Christian Bale observes that, 'trying too hard to be sexy is the worst thing in the world a woman can do' Well, looks like it will always be a tough act to perform correctly.

If in doubt, get some red lipstick or a leather jacket, add a cigarette and practice swishing your hair around a bit and you may just about pass the test!

So much stress, so little time!

I was thinking about stress today, it's an ironic procrastination, but one we all indulge in when we feel our lives have taken over who we are. There are just times, when we cannot possibly think about all the little things we need to, so we spend each minute worrying about the method of how to solve these problems, instead of actually solving them!

We are all different, and deal with stress in different ways of course. Some of us can sense the stress signals seeping into our brains and taking over all our control. We know of our own, personal rituals we use to combat the immediate problem, whether it's a little time out with mates, a quick chocolate fix, or a bike ride. However, these do not always work and we often become a spectator, watching out lives play out, powerless to take a hold of what we are experiencing and stop the action. Others more prone to stress, fall at the first hurdle and can find no way of getting up again. There are a select few however, that are brilliant time managers, problem solvers and positive pearls of perfection. If you know anyone of this description they are usually the one person who will take you to one side, during a time where you can barely breathe and give you a completely obvious and simple solution that will kill all the birds with one stone. At this point you then become annoyed and stressed at yourself for being so ignorant that you couldn't see the solution for yourself!

I have found that our tear-ducts are directly linked to our stress levels. It's like they can sense when we are about to lose it, and signal the need to release moisture. This can be in the form of complete sobbing or hysterical laughter. It's our body's way of saying it needs a rest, a break. Maybe that is why Kitkat asks us to take a break. Good old Nestle knew that the endorphins in their chocolate would help eliminate our stress levels!

By definition stress is 'a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension' I think this tension is of course subjective but can also be completely invisible. Most stress we create ourselves. A friend pointed out to me today that we felt very busy during the first two years of our degree and now in the third year we are squeezing in so much more. No matter how impossible it seems there is always room for more. We feel completely consumed by our timetables that we are even contemplating scheduling in time to relax! We seem to be managing everything so far.(She says confidently)

Natalie Goldberg notices how the idea of stress is quite melodramatic, 'Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency'. As humans we are conditioned to create, hypothesize, analyze and this often means we imagine what is not really there. This doesn't mean that the stress is a figment of our imagination but the volume of it and our way of dealing with it is sometimes counter-productive. Catherine Puliser sums up the idea of stress in one sweeping, humbling statement, 'When you find yourself stressed, ask yourself one question: Will this matter in 5 years from now? If yes, then do something about the situation. If no, then let it go.

Have a go and see how much time you will save. Now where's that Kitkat?....

Only in films...

...does the guy you really fancy tell you that you're beautiful.

I just came back from watching, 'The lovely Bones' at the cinema. After indulging in the intense thriller that explores the idea of limbo, where those that are dead wander while contemplating their unfinished business, I left entertained but focused on a scene that all together held little significance to the main storyline.

The same simple romance scene is replayed in almost every film. The lead is fixated and obsessed with one person and by some stroke of luck they happen to return the favour. It's the teenage girl that writes the name of her crush on all her books, he's the unattainable jock, captain of the football team or wannabe rock star who suddenly utters the phrase she's always dreamt of, 'wanna go out sometime?' (I'm not sure why he is American, that is not essential but you get the gist).

This plot line can be used for many reasons; to set up the perfect happy ending in order to demolish it for a surprise twist, or to set up the perfect happy ending so the audience can suspend disbelief and be transported into a fantasy world for a few hours and escape their humdrum lives. These happy endings are then anticipated and expected by audiences and so if the credits roll without them we feel angry and empty. (I explained this need in the my first post). Unfortunately these fantasy story lines only end up highlighting the absence of them in our real lives and therefore insinuate the harsh reality that happiness is always fantastical.

People fall in love everyday, so we can't assume that each of these romantic journeys haven't created a little fantastical happiness. However, the journeys in our lives that we can honestly say encompass true happiness just seem rare, unusual and can normally be counted on one hand. Isn't that the point? Shouldn't true love be absolute, simply because it leaves no room for anything else? However what if true love is never found? Do we stop living, learning, seeking the fantasy? Maybe that is another reason why film-making has become such an art. It takes us on a journey, a leap of faith, a rebellion without moving from the comfort of our sofa or blows it up on the big screen for that extra magnified experience. It is so easy, so accessible, so fantastical.

After the spectacle of cinema, the idea of Reality creates bitterness which in turns creates resentment. I have read that Christians believe that God created good and evil in order for humans to have free will so they can make the choice between right and wrong. Maybe this can relate into other matters also. Life is messy, complicated, unpredictable, unfathomable and that is why we crave it. We are born with an innate ability to live, learn, create and experience life, all parts of it. If life was a fantasy, everything and everyone would be perfect and films would have nothing to portray. So Orange Wednesdays wouldn't need to exist. I don't know about you, but I think that would be a real shame! Roll on another fictional love story, until the real one decides to appear I will be satisfied with the fantasy.

Luck, a man-made idea?

Do you ever take time out of your day to wonder how luck has played a part in it?

The idea of luck centers around chance, fate and faith, all things we ultimately have no control over. We normally become aware of luck when we notice it's absence. We believe a pre-determined force is out to get us, after experiencing a sudden negative turn of events or upon hearing some bad news. If this negative pattern continues we then label ourselves as unlucky. However, what does luck actually signify and how can we be sure it exists and it is not just a coincidence disguised in a man made ideology created to increase hope? By definition luck is 'a force that brings good fortune or adversity' or 'a favoring chance.' Therefore it's existence is an added bonus, but it's absence just joins the end of a long list of attributes, qualities and objects we don't have, but nevertheless depress us further because we don't understand why we don't have them.

Luck can be measured on a variety of levels, depending on how you view it. There are universal symbols of luck such as the four-leaf clover and Irish leprechaun. We also collect personal items throughout over lives that prove lucky for us. This could be a favourite pair of underwear, piece of jewelery, photo or general keepsake. Whether these items are lucky we will never know. It is questionable whether our belief in them, tips the scales to creating a positive outcome when they are near, or if the luck surrounding them is merely a random turn of events.

Symbols of bad luck usually center around superstitions, involving breaking mirrors, black cats crossing paths and the number thirteen. Do we believe in these myths to provide a reason for our fear of making a mistake or choosing the wrong path? Certain acts are often created to promote fairness and assure the outcome is left to chance, for example when names are picked out of a hat. Sometimes our faith is tested when our prior expectations are proved correct and so cynical thinking comes into play. This can therefore remind us of how unlucky we are or suggest the idea that luck cannot exist as humans will always intervene and upset the natural and supposed random order of things.

We can also ask how much is luck dependant on free will? We live our day to day lives and make choices, some big and some small. Along the way luck intervenes and either helps or hinders us. It's presence can sometimes belittle achievement, as we believe our constant efforts are often wasted as an unknown element is in complete control waiting to shine it's light on us and seal our fate. Luck is also an idea used as an excuse for uncertainty. If we cannot be completely sure of something we say it is all down to luck. Therefore humans are absolved of error and blame, as whatever they do they cannot be sue of anything, because luck does not knock before it enters. The element of surprise then becomes our safe house. How does that make any sense?

We come back again to the idea of subjectivity. One person might consider constantly tripping up and walking into things a sign of bad luck, whereas another might look upon this as a clumsy behavioral habit that could be passed down genetically. Similar to irony, good luck normally pays a visit to someone else when you are feeling particularly in need of it. This is described in the great words of Alanis Morissette in her song Ironic, 'it's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife'. Now the reaction to this differs from person to person. Some, like myself, read into situations of irony, fate and luck and believe that there is a reason why each of them have occurred at that precise moment. Others refuse to believe that such a power can exist without human interference. Unfortunately neither can be assumed as right or wrong.

Most unknown, invisible, ideas, notions and beliefs are linked together magically in a web of intangible mystery. Some believe that a man makes his own luck, others believe it is bestowed at random selection. The idea of luck simplistically is hope. Hope that on your birthday the sun will shine. Hope that you will excel at that job interview. Hope that you will one day fall in love with someone who loves you back. Hope that something good can happen to you and it not be in the form of payment, guilt or necessity. Hope that something good can happen to you for no other reason than at that particular moment of that particular day you just happened to deserve it.

A roller coaster of randomers

Had an interesting couple of evenings out, which have spurred a few discussion points among friends. I am actually getting requests for posts now!

Nights out differ depending where you go I guess, but there are always the stereotypical groups of people you expect to see. Without fail there will be the under-dressed group of girls that go out in the freezing depths of winter, wearing belt sized skirts and not being prudish at all, you just want to go and give them a pair of tights! Not only to keep them warm but for them to leave something to the imagination!

There's the group of loud lads, normally with a mixture of accents who are 'fashionably' dressed and great at commanding attention. Now you can meet these on the way to a club, when they normally start a conversation about your outfit, hair etc, or you can meet them afterwards, burger in their hand as they invite you back to their place for a cup of tea. (Yeah right!)

Most weekends you are bound to see a group in fancy dress or be wearing some yourself. This could be a hen night, pub golf or an excuse to wear tutus and bunny ears. It normally provokes conversations, fights over who stole who's hat and the photos uploaded on facebook after are always hilarious.

There is always the drunken pervy pair of men who manage to 'subtlety' follow you around the dance floor, with eyes popping out of their sockets as they try to woo you with their dad dancing. If you are in a bar it's even worse, as they invite themselves into your personal space and simply watch you as you talk to your mates as you try as much as possible to ignore them, waiting for them to get bored and move on.

Not as common as the others, but you get them from time to time, (I got three the other night!) are the people who stop you to ask for money. Some spin elaborate but convincing stories about how they cant get home, while others simply ask for twenty pence to get a cuppa. We can usually refuse guilt free as most of these people have sat drinking in the pub for the previous twenty-four hours, spending their last few pennies on booze and therefore do not deserve our sympathy. So we can invent an excuse and not feel ungenerous in the slightest. Upon refusal some are practised in the art and increase the severity of their stories or turn on the waterworks. Others resort to insults and often tell you to shove your money up certain orifices (my mate was asked to shove a spoon up one of hers...the mind boggles!)


There's always the loud, mismatched group, involving a mixture of gays, drag queens and performing arts students. These dominate the space, break out into dance routines like those seen in the cheesy American chick flicks where all the characters know the moves, without prior rehearsal. This group will often start dance wars on the floor, they are not elitist and will except anyone into their circle as long as they are fashionably dressed, a great dancer or really good looking!

After the night out, there is plenty more fun to be had in the chippy or on the sidewalk. You can watch the aftermath of breakups and cat fights as girls weep into their cheesy chips. Some stumble around, heels in hand as they followed the rule 'pain is beauty' and the look on their face now shows how much they regret it. There is the token couple in the kebab cue, who you can tell have just met but can't take a break from their tonsil tennis long enough to order their food. There are the random hyper people who insist they are not drunk but start bets, dares and philosophical debates with total strangers. You pass groups arguing over taxis, people spewing up at bus stops and those still dancing to their own silent disco on the pavement. Okay so I have lived in Colchester for the past few years but I am pretty sure this happens everywhere!

The funny thing is, that even though these groups are all stereotypes, I am confident that we can all say we have fitted into one of them at some point. My mate reminded me that on a single night, the random people you dance with, or speak to in the ATM cue, you will never see again. So it is always fun to let loose and have a laugh. This plan did spectacularly backfire on her as we chatted to a group of off-duty policeman in Subway who she later realised she had met before! This was only after I had done the splits to prove we would beat them in a flexibility contest! Like I said before, hyper but completely sober!

I guess it all comes down to a bit of excitement and drama. We all like a little in our lives, and some have more than others. A night out is usually an excuse to welcome irrational fun, to dress up and feel good, to let go and above all to have a bloody good time with our friends and anyone else we bump into. Thank you to all the randomers we meet on the night out roller coaster, what an exciting ride you make it!

Is it written?

I have always been fascinated by the idea of fate. The belief that an inanimate controlling force is at work somewhere, tipping the scales and rocking the boat.

I guess this belief would denounce the existence of a God, however I have an incling that both beings of power may be out there co-existing. Once fate comes into play the idea of free will is also knocked out of the equation. Some believe that fate is in charge of a master plan laid out for us the minute we are born which leads to our destiny upon our death. I however see fate more as a guideline, it provides us with signs, clues along the way of life which, if we choose to see them can point to a path. How do we know if it is the correct one? We don't.

Similar to religion, belief in fate requires a certain about of blind faith. The cynics would say that signs and themes are created by us in a poor attempt to over-analyse every situation to make it fit a pattern. We are conditioned as humans to stick to the positive and disregard the negative as much as possible. However, when we are surrounded by negativity, bad luck and clouds with what can only be described as a pencil lining, we start to wonder if we are missing the bigger picture. Has fate intervened? Is someone trying to tell us something? Are we on the brink of a sudden self-discovery? Or have we made a fatal error and this is our punishment? As much for self-preservation than anything else, those more spiritually minded tend to use fate as an answer when they can find no other. I place myself firmly in this category.

I do not automatically believe that the cause of everything is fate induced. I think that there can be re-curring themes in every day life that highlight things we need to be aware of in some way. Examples of these would be co-incidence, irony, hindsight and of course intuition. When these things occur they are often annoyances and are only remembered with bitterness. However, when explored they can normally shed some decent light on the situation at hand and often show an opposite viewpoint or final outcome that wasn't available before. Most films of the romantic nature will contain some message or theme that fate and destiny do exist and play a part in our lives.

A good example of this is the spectacular Slumdog Millionaire, which in its opening credits poses a question for the audience with possible answers, one of which reads, 'It is written.' The premise of the film rests on the belief that human strength, understanding or intimidation cannot be a match for fate and sometimes there is no reason why or how, it just has to be accepted. Serendipity and Fools Rush In are boths classic film examples depicting this idea. Aside from their sickening but magical storylines which fit perfectly in the romantic comedy genre, they aim to show how signs are everywhere, and everyone loses their way from time to time and need some guidance.

Apart from guidance, what we all search for on a daily basis is answers. We constantly have to decide if we are making the right decisions. We require proof, compliments, acknowledgement that we are on the correct path. Fate can give us this assurance, and provide some answers, but not all of them. Still this realisation is usually only evident after hindsight when a coincidence becomes obvious in an ironic display of intuition! It may be written but it is not always fun to read!

To flirt or not to flirt, how to is the question...

How do you flirt successfully? This is a problem I have realised we all have come across at one point or another in our lives and it has been a focus of mine recently.

I would love to sit here and come up with a complete full-proof list of flirting guidelines for both sexes. However, I feel I am completely inexperienced in this area. It seems that no recipe of flirting success can be guaranteed. I mean there are a few generalisations and tips as a rule of thumb. For example, men cannot take hints or subtlety in any capacity and need our feelings spelled out for them! What if this means scaring them away? It is simply just a minefield and no amount of analysing ever seems to find a sure resolution.

We have the old fashioned customs detailing of how the guy should always make the first move. However, I have always been a firm believer that there is no reason why a girl can't do the same. It's films like He's just not that into you that depict single women as needy and desperate disasters who spend their time pining after missed opportunities, exes and men way out of their league. The complete message of that film is that no girl should ever take a chance on a guy or show him any interest at all, as the men hold the complete power and if they don't make a move then they are just not that into you! Sorry but I completely disagree with this belief. Which is probably why most of my friends after seeing the film, said that the main character (an annoying, womanising, desperate girl) was modelled on me! Great.

I guess the reason there are no rules for this, is that attraction, connection and love are all measured completely differently from person to person. To steal a quote from another great Rom Com, Win a date with Tad Hamilton, 'Everyone has their Tad Hamilton', For anyone who hasn't seen the film, Tad is like Brad Pitt! Meaning that everyone has a person they crave and fancy so much that they are like a famous pinup to them and for everyone that person is different. I often find myself looking at a slightly mismatched couple and quite judgmentally wondering how they have come to be together. Then logic sets in and I realise, that they simply just love each other.

Maybe it is the circles I travel in but I seem to find that men are often hypocritical when it comes to what they want from women. It is said in magazines galore that men like a strong woman, they like someone who can look after herself, they like curves and confidence. However the women I always seem to see men after, are apathetic, wimpy females, who believe it is attractive to seem completely helpless and unintelligent. Maybe men turn to these women because they are an easy target and are therefore willing to pander to their requests, who knows?

Also how do we measure the words 'fancy' or 'flirt'? Some people would say they fancy someone they just like the look of in a bar, but others would say they cannot fancy someone they don't actually know. Fancy is defined as an 'amorous love' which doesn't indicate any relevance to outward appearances. Still it is strange how we can simply be drawn to someone just from the way they look. Nowadays especially for the younger generation I'd say sexual attraction plays a huge part in the initial making a move process. When it comes to flirting there are so many different techniques, the whole thing gets quite confusing! For starters some people are natural flirters and incorporate a cheeky, flattering, tactile, humour into their personality with everyone they meet, this can often be very puzzling to the opposite sex. Others however are very reserved and would be able to successfully hide their feelings for another, for a vast amount of time without anyone catching on.

What I find hard is trying to figure out if the object of your desire would even be remotely interested in you at all! This is so difficult without making an obvious move and then being given an obvious yes/no answer back. I guess like everything flirting takes patience, something most of us do not have. In our busy, hectic lives everything moves so fast and we expect love and attraction to begin and continue rapidly in this ongoing motion. It also depends on the person you are. Some people can move on from their potential points of interest quite quickly, whereas others only invest time in the people they believe to be their soul mate, these objects of unrequited love then become attached to someone else, and are so labelled,'the one that got away'. (This is also the name of a great Pink song from her fourth album I'm not Dead)

One point that always comes up is to not look for love or relationships, as they will find you. Again I sometimes disagree with this point, much like the disagreement over whether luck is a random ray of sunshine shone down from a higher being, or simply the result of a man's own actions. I think love can be written in the stars, or put down to fate, the gods, the planets, or anything believed to have a gravitational pull, scientifically or metaphorically on human beings on earth. However, I also believe we can make our own luck by putting our feelings on the line when it matters, and stepping into the firing line knowing we may get burnt. Otherwise how do we learn if what we are feeling is real? At this point it comes down to strength of character, endurance, and our ability to bounce back from rejection that allows us to decide if this path is right for us.

All I will say is that only we can know what what we really want from a situation and how much we feel we are in control of it, even if this means facing an emotion we feel we cannot. I turn to the words of a great but rather unknown musician to sum up my point, Belinda Gillett - The Girl who disappeared, 'Don't throw your life away in fear'.

Guess who?

Thought as the time was drawing near, I should share my feelings on the public holiday of 14th February. Yes that's right, Valentines Day.

St Valentine, was actually the name of many Saints who were killed in Ancient Rome. We do not know if this day celebrates all or just one of them. According to Jack Oruch, the tradition of Valentines Day did not exist until Geoffrey Chaucer created it in his fictional stories. Which brings me nicely onto the fact that we as a modern society have created our own version of a tradition that has become mainly a shopkeepers delight and a customers despair.

As soon as February begins, all the shops decorate their windows in red with lots of cupids and hearts, all fit for a Tin Man's convention. In particular, florists, chocolate shops and perfumeries expect a vast amount of business at this time, as they sell the normal gifts associated with this time of year at extortionate prices. In America alone, Valentines Day generates about £9 million - Is that the price of love? I guess no girl can ever refuse a bouquets of perfect red roses. (Well unless she is allergic of course) Chocolate is the way to anyone's heart these days and cute cards never fail to be romantic. Card websites such as moonpig.com sell personalised cards which are a sure success. However one read ' Andrew you and I are pretty usual. I am pretty and you are usual'. Anyone who sends that card is surely missing the point, maybe they think Valentines Day means 'dumping day!'

Now there are many opinions about the necessity of Valentines Day. Some believe it is just a product of consumerism designed to exploit the public and tarnish one of the true and honest things we have left in life; love. Others however enjoy the date, as they see it as an excuse to devote time and attention to their partner, that they wouldn't normally be able to. The argument to this however is, that couples should say 'I love you' everyday and so should not need to feel united by a date in order to show their love. Some however would say that an overuse of the phrase destroys its honesty and so they save it for personal special occasions only and not ones universally accepted.

I find that the importance of Valentines Day to a couple usually depends on the length of their relationship. Those in the honeymoon period might use the day as an excuse to be romantic, on the other hand a married couple might use it to re-capture their romance. I guess the whole premise is very subjective (There goes that word again!)

The single most infuriating aspect of the holiday has to be that its existence ensures that anyone who is single on that faithful date feels more alone and undesirable than any other day. I would guess that the most affected are single women who often feel like they need a man in order to function, or those recently dumped by a partner or even widowers. It is funny to think that a man-made tradition has become so widely observed and considered over the years that we allow it to take over our lives and our emotions. There are even Anti-Valentines Day bashes in some parts of America for those that want to openly show their distaste for the commercialised day!

Valentines day at my Secondary school was always fun, there would be a red post box at the front, where people could post their valentines. This was of course great for those that received multiples and humiliating for those that sat with none come February 14th (that was me...) Some parents acknowledged the difficulties of this and often wrote and sent mystery valentines to their children, so they would invest in the excitement of guessing who might have written to them, rather than commiserating their absent card. (I got one a few years running and knew it was my Mum!...if it wasn't please come forward now!)

Seems it all comes back again to this need for a happy ending...or maybe just a need to feel happy, a need for something out of the ordinary, something to look forward to, a need to be spoilt, to feel special, to feel important, to feel loved. I guess we all get used to our everyday lives and if that life includes a partner we get used to them being there and forget sometimes how much they mean to us or how empty we would feel if they were not there anymore.

One of the nice things this day achieves is the belief that it is okay to be demonstrative with love. We can openly and loudly tell someone we love them and not feel embarrassed or exposed but just content and happy that they want to hear it. Shakespeare sums this up beautifully in Macbeth, 'A heart to love, and in that heart, courage, to make love know.'

Love or Hate - There's a fine line....

Have you ever heard about how the feelings behind certain emotions are triggered by the same things? When it comes to how we feel, complete opposites become oddly linked. This is mostly found between the emotions of love and hate. As the famous quote by Francis Smedley says,'All is fair in love and war'.

I think we are often confused by the idea that the people we truly detest and spend our life resenting, being jealous of, or bullied by, we may subconsciously really want to like us. Or maybe we act in a hostile way towards them, because we just don't understand them and haven't taken the time to try.

Most people try to live their life by the rule that hate is a strong word and they should endeavour to avoid using it. By definition, 'hate is an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.' The confusion comes when we realise that hate is an intense emotion much like love. If we didn't care about the object of our hate in even a small capacity, we wouldn't spend the time and effort hating them in the first place. This is often why little boys tease and playfully hit girls in order to seem macho, when really they just fancy them. It can take years to reach emotional maturity and so we cannot always fully understand what our deep emotions are trying to tell us. Sigmund Freud observed that 'people are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate'.

What happens then, when we start to confuse our emotions and become unsure what we are actually feeling? When it comes to love, people are often scared to admit they are experiencing something that will mean giving away their heart and soul to someone else, as it also gives them the power to crush that heart or give back their love at any moment. I guess our feelings are greatly ruled by fear.

Our emotions usually change with different people. It has been said that you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. Obviously we would choose a romantic partner also. I believe that in terms of love and hate it is not necessarily about choice. The family bond we share with our relatives and loved-ones usually means that we vow to forgive and forget most things. As most grudges are overridden by a greater need for them as a person. What happens however when this can't be achieved? Have we failed in a universal necessity? What if sometimes the only emotion we can feel is hate in the form of anger, disappointment or apathy? I guess an example of this would be when someone finds their partner cheating, or when a child feels betrayed by a parent.

Often when we become accustomed to a situation and a person, we end up accepting them as they are and therefore try to ignore their faults and so fail to see when they are truly in the wrong. Once again if we are always the person to compromise and make-amends we are not ever solving the issue just pushing it further under the rug and building up more dust. I find that the main problems created within relationships come down to unfairness and disrespect. There are varying levels of respect expected depending on the relationship. We hope that in a romantic partnrship, respect would be mutual. It sometimes becomes tricky within family relationships as those with age and experience on their side are expected to recieve greater respect. Children are also taught to respect their elders, that means that however old those children get they will still have relatives older. So what happens when those children become adults and their elder is wrong or unreasonable? Are they absolved of this normal disrespectful behaviour, because this generational belief made no stipulations upon its creation? When it comes to family, the stakes are always higher because the love shared in these relationships is always the strongest. Therefore the opinions and judgements of these people will always matter the most.

I think it important to realise that most things in life are linked in one way or another. Love and hate are so similar because we cannot have one without the other. The same with a sickness and it's cure, in this instance that would signify, a disagreement and a solution. Martin Luther King Jr echoes this point, 'Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it. I guess main item that links all these things is passion whether negative or positive, passion is present in everyday life. It it present within us as human beings in the form of an innate desire to live. Passion for love, Passion for hate, Passion for life. The line may be fine but it is intense nonetheless!

Are these my Basoomas I see before me?

Hello, no worries I haven't just suddenly realised that I was born a woman. I have decided to write a less detailed post tonight. I feel slightly written out so thought I would just tell you about one of my favourite things.

The Georgia Nicolson diaries by Louise Rennison. This is a series of ten fictional stories, for teenagers written in the style of a diary by the character Georgia who when we first meet her in 'Angus Thongs and full-frontal snogging' is fourteen years old, struggling with school, friends, her parents and mostly BOYS!

Achieved by the stylistic choice to write in a diary form, Louise manages to make extremely relevant books that can appeal universally to all teenage girls around the world. The writing is comic genius, Georgia literally has her own language and every other word she writes is usually in German or French as she makes fun of the words learnt in her lessons at school. 'I went and stood really near to Jas. She ignorez-voused me.' I don't know why but I always found it hilariously funny to read her moan, 'Quest-ce le point?' as if she has simply asked 'what is the point' it would not have been anywhere near as funny! In the back of the latter books, there is a section called 'Georgia's Glossary' which contains her definitions for all her invented words and for the everyday colloquialisms we use but do not quite know where they come from. For example,'Nippy noodles - Instead of saying "Cor heavens it's quite cold this morning," you say "Cor it's nippy noodles!!" English is an exciting and growing language. it is. Believe me. Just leave it at that. Accept it.' or 'Bugger(ation) - A swear word. It doesn't really mean anything but neither do a lot of swear words. Or parents.' There are also scales for mates, having the hump and snogging, the possibilities for further teenage understanding are endless. She gives you pearls I promise.

I think the greatest achievement of Louise, is that she has created Georgia to be the epitome of every teenage girl. She worries about the size of her nose, whether or not to self-tan, how to snog a boy, how to avoid her parents from embarrassing her on a regular basis, or her four year old sister from peeing in her bed! Her diary updates could be separated from a few hours to a few seconds. We are literally transported into her mind at that moment:

9.00am
Why. Oh why oh why?

9.02am
Why me?

9.03
And I'll just say this. Why?

Just completely ridiculous but equally completely realistic!! We are then not made to feel silly for ever worrying about these things, we see the drastic measures she goes to, just to get a boy to like her. After comparison we can see that we are just as random, silly, and crazy as every other fourteen year old girl.

The first two books were made into one film entitled, 'Angus, thongs and perfect snogging' and directed by Gurinda Chadha released in 2008. Many fans were disappointed with the representation, I however found it sweet, funny and was transported back to my days at school, remembering what it was like to be fourteen myself. Aaron Johnson playing the lead love interest, 'Sex God' as Georgia calls him, may have had something to do with my enjoyment.

I have read the series throughout my teenage years and just went out today to buy the paperback version of her tenth and final book which came out on February 4th entitled 'Are these my basoomas I see in front of me?' I await with the excitement of how it will all turn out for Georgia, I see so much of myself in her as does every other teenage girl out there I am sure, so I am keen to see if she will get her happy ending in hope I might one day too :)

Go with you your gut...Food for thought.

Ohhhh...there it goes again. That swirling, twirling, churning brief sensation that exists in the pit of your stomach when you feel something is just not quite right.

Most of us are so in tune with this feeling that if practiced we become accustomed to ignoring it. Theories about intuition have been linked to psychic ability and have now been branded with a new-age controversy. Some believe intuition acts as an involuntary sixth sense, while others might disguise a gut feeling as a hunger pang or stomach ache for fear they are entertaining a ridiculous notion. These people are refusing to see the deeper meaning that this sensation is usually pointing to. By definition,'a gut feeling arises when your brain makes an instant connection between what's happening in the present and a similar circumstance from your past.' I believe this to be a subconscious act and we therefore cannot be sure what these past memories are exactly, we just respond intuitively to a feeling that displays a certain amount of confusion and uncertainty.

The real problem comes when we experience this feeling but purposefully decide to disregard it, believing that we know better. Big mistake. More often than not, hindsight comes into play and we realise just how insightful our digestive system is. However, even the endurance of realisation is not enough to prevent us from repeating the same mistake again and again. We are so full of self-doubt that we cannot possibly believe that our body might be trying to tell us something. In fact sometimes it can be the opposite, we do understand what the sensation is telling us but feel guilty for the decision it could lead us to, and so feel it is better to go for the easier option and deal with the consequences afterwards. Again usually a big mistake. As with most things in life, the proof is in the pudding. Therefore only when we have refused our gut's perceptive tendencies and received some either ironic or plain annoying retrospection, do we feel truly sorry for doubting it's true ability.

I like to think of intuition in the same grey area as coincidence. They are both concepts human beings cannot understand completely and so we are then afraid of them. When a repeated coincidence occurs we search for a meaning, a reason why something that previously has not entered our minds, is now suddenly appearing everywhere. For example, I managed to live twenty years of my life not knowing about the existence of the 1980s Olivia Newton John musical classic that is Xanadu. However, this year I learnt a medley from the show for a showcase and now cannot escape the dulcet tones of the main number. It has been on three different radio stations, featured in TV programmes and adverts! Do not fear I am not now convinced that the themes in Xanadu are now a metaphor for my life or anything,(even though I do remember being a muse in a past life!..hmmm)

I guess in life we have become comfortable with over-analysing, dissecting and calculating every possible outcome, reason, motive, idea that may be the cause of an involuntary response such as a gut instinct. The more spiritually minded individuals might delve deep into the meanings of certain coincidences, or seemingly fate fuelled occurrences. One quote about intuition describes it as 'going your way without inquiring about the way'. I think this demonstrates how cynical we have become in that however real the feeling is, we cannot trust it to be true.

I have recently asked myself many times why I have not gone with my gut...this is usually because I have gone with my heart instead.

I want the fire back....

I'm enraged with the words of Buffy The Musical in attempt to get back what I have lost. Yes that's right, it has got that bad.

On a serious note I do feel slightly....lost. As I said in a previous post, I don't seem to recognise myself. I'm constantly, questioning, checking, doubting, asking why? It's a natural thing I guess, when we are children we don't need to check anything because everything is decided for us, in the main you have clear boundaries, are told right from wrong, good and bad, given the correct path and so you follow it. Ironically though these rules can usually provoke all the wrong path decisions. The further problem then comes when adulthood arrives. So you make the normal adjustments, move away from home, create an appropriate but necessary distance from your parents and the worlds your oyster. Only what if you have no faith that you will find the pearl?

Of course each case is different. I know some people change childhood dreams about ten times and still end up doing something different. I have had one dream my entire life. That is now somehow part of the problem. Having one dream now seems rather naive. I guess the main rule is that everyday life is an act in itself. It was of course Shakespeare who famously said, 'the world is a stage and the people in it merely players.' Us performers must put on an act in every audition in order to make ourselves believe that we are the best, while also not seeming arrogant. I used to have that ability, or at least I believed I did. That's what it all comes down to in the end. Self belief. People always say no-one will love you if you don't love yourself. However, we as human begins are never able to provide ourselves with this self love as we see it as act of narcissism ,that we judge in other people as a self-obsessed trait. Someone reminded me today that this existence of self-doubt can lead to further paranoia that then overrides any logical thought. I had to agree with this. It showed me that in our butterfly minds we are constantly waiting for the next metamorphosis, forgetting that we have already completed so many, however small or insignificant we believe them to be. Nature must take its course before the next transformation can begin. Our self-doubt and negative thinking will only hinder this process.

A wise man recently told me that before an audition a good amount of nerves is always needed. He said that the aim is to not get rid of the butterflies in your stomach but just to assure that they fly in formation. This analogy can be applied to everything, the world sends us hiccups and obstacles every day,what we must do is refrain from creating more for ourselves which may upset the butterflies in flight.