Why I never liked Marmalade...

Do not worry I am not going to use this blog post to dissect the reasons for my distaste of certain toast toppings. It's more my realisation that while avoiding dark chocolate and never understanding the fashionable fascination of a gin and tonic, I have still managed to create a certain bitterness in my life.

Now this bitterness may not be one I can feel on my tastebuds but it certainly leaves a lingering aftertaste.

I am a struggling or 'resting' actress, living and working in the catastrophically expensive London Town. Two years out of my masters at Drama School, although I was fortunate to have the funds, the year cost me my entire inheritance and I have only one paid acting job on my CV to date. With my thirties on the not too distant horizon , I am living in a mouldy room in North London because it's cheap and barely making my rent with every bitty, freelance job I can find and possibly hold down for a few months. Knowing that there was once a time I had enough money for a down payment on a flat or a year travelling the world does create a certain sting. Yet these things were never a priority for me.

I made a choice. That choice I decided when I was a child, all I ever wanted to do was perform and all I ever wanted to be was a performer. I couldn't or wouldn't choose anything else. Now I'm no longer a child and again I have a choice:

Do I continue to attempt to make a living from performing? Knowing that for probably 10 or 11 months out of the year that will be me teaching children, selling popcorn or programmes and making just enough money to scrape by. Therefore not creating any sort of future or building a career of any kind, but safe in the belief that I'm following my dreams and that I'm not a quitter.

Or, do I decide that I need to stop treading water and actually get a real job that can give me stability, security and safety? Knowing that 'quitting' as I put it, giving up, changing my mind and picking something new is the most frightening thing in the world to do , when all you have wanted since the age of 5 is to be onstage.

The ultimate cliche is that acting is a hard business, it's the first thing that comes out of every strangers mouth when you say Its the career you have chosen. Yes we all know its hard, and there's a lot of rejection and it can take a really long time to make it etc, but we are supposed to believe in ourselves enough to put up with all of that negativity.

We go see shows and look at all the other actors with success and know we can do what they do, but so can 50 other people.  We create our own work and discover that someone else has already created practically the same thing. We go to open calls and see a Walking Dead queue of people who look exactly like we do and we wonder what makes us the exception. The industry is saturated and there is endless choice, so evidently most of us will miss out and after a while that begins to hurt.

I think I have finally discovered where my hurt comes from. They say you should only do what makes you happy. Performing makes me happy but living this limbo existence waiting around to perform really doesn't.

Actors go through these ups and downs very frequently some more than others, I have had these conversations with myself too many times to count and every time no matter the cons I couldn't justify giving up on my dream.

Is my bitterness now a justification for that? However baffling it may seem, is following my dream actually making me unhappy?

Maybe happiness and following your dream are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe I need to find a new dream.

I cannot say what the answers are right now but I hope I discover them soon.
Otherwise I should just take free marmalade on toast to my next audition, because no matter how
good an actress I am, there's no way the panel will miss the bitter aftertaste in my mouth.

Too happy?

Lately I have been contemplating the notion that we can sometimes be too happy. I know initially that idea sounds inconceivable, as surely happiness is something we always crave for and wish to have in our lives. Yet, by placing the 'too' in front of the word it suggests that there is an excess of this feeling. The idea that we have overdosed in something so positive does not seem possible.

The phrase 'Too happy' could also suggest an idea that the happiness feels too good to be true. The hint of excess is still there, however the fear it may not be there forever is also implied.

In life we sometimes have to take a chance and put our faith in other people. This is a frightening concept as we then become vulnerable. While it is cynical to consider that all humans are capable of deception, we are always taught to look for out for our own best interests. While happy, we can't help but wonder if one day the bliss we are enveloped in will change, or cease to exist completely.

It could be considered foolish to analyse our happiness. Some might say that humans can never be truly happy as they are always second guessing, sensing foul play or waiting to for it to disappear completely. These people are not enjoying the present while in fear for the future. They want to have more control. However, while they are controlling an excess of happiness they may also be preventing any happiness at all.

Therefore I choose to eliminate the 'too' and stay with just 'happy'. Why should I waste precious moments of a feeling that could remain? Though there is a possibility it could one day be gone, I will always have the memory of when it came to visit :)

The Warm and Fuzzy feeling

I am of course referring to the rather nice but rare feeling found after snuggling up with a mug of hot chocolate; sitting by a fire in the winter, receiving a piece of good news, or a nice gift, or returning from a successful first date. (Or anything that involves romance!)

The feeling is usually followed by an involuntary need to grin like a Cheshire cat from ear to ear. This grinning cannot be prevented and can last from 5 minutes to 3 days depending on how intense the warm and fuzzy feeling is. In fact the smiling is so much that it usually prevents the recipient from talking. It can also be accompanied by high pitched screams of excitement and the recipient may also find that they are glowing with happiness.

After informing everyone that will listen of their reasons for this feeling, and enduring their friends giggles, taunts and proud smiles, the recipient is left content and a little warm but not as fuzzy. The feeling is so intense at first that once gone it is mourned and becomes addictive and then craved by the recipient if they do not experience it at regular intervals. For example, like an addiction one might have to Starbucks frappuccinos :) (no idea who would have that by the way!)

While awaiting their next fix of warm and fuzziness, the recipient may worry what may happen if their new found positivity is suddenly taken away. They are filled with the fear that after experiencing something so intense and fulfilling that they may be left empty again and the blow may be too hard to bear. I mean, after tasting real chocolate who really wants anything chocolate flavoured? The recipient may also wonder if they have been deceived or tricked and what they experienced wasn't a warm and fuzzy feeling at all. (You know Ashton Kutcher can pop out from behind a bush at anytime people!)

All these worries of course are controlled and produced by our need to be realistic and often controlled by a subconscious tendency to be cynical and expect the worst. This does not remedy well with the Warm and Fuzzy feeling, that exists to shine an element of the fantastical on everyday life. We all try not to dwell on fantasies nowadays as it often leads to disappointment. Therefore it is hard to believe that the Warm and Fuzzy feeling is A) happening at all and B) if we really deserve it.

I guess the greeting on the Warm and Fuzzy gift card should read:

"The Recipient must enjoy this comfortably and openly in every way possible. They must not disguise it any way, but embrace it and avoid any negative or cynical thoughts. If these rules are breached the Warm and Fuzzy fairy might revoke their card - Feelings may vary, Terms & Conditions apply"

Well, if we are going to live in fantasy world, we might as well make it legal!