Can laziness sometimes be confused with fear? This theory was suggested to me a few weeks ago and I still am not sure I agree with it. The idea is that often while our behaviour may look like sheer laziness, our lack of enthusiasm could simply be a fear of the task at hand. Obviously I am not suggesting that some of us may be completely terrorised by the idea of doing the washing up, or that all teenagers who avoid tidying their room actually suffer from a crippling fright of cleanliness. No. This notion runs a little deeper.
I have been out of education in the 'real world' for just over a year now, keeping up various part-time jobs while in search of acting work. After a stint in a musical and a fringe play, I managed to find an agent and felt like I was finally getting somewhere. However,for a mainly out-of-work actor, supposedly riddled with determination, I have become so lazy!
I am plodding along this motorway of reality while teaching children performing arts, stopping off at the services infrequently for a dose of 'The Dream' and then back I go to the slow lane, this time laden with lactose-intolerance issues. I reach the next exit not as a professional performer sporting excited jazz hands, but as a 23 year old actress who goes to bed with a microwavable warmie in the shape of a Babushka doll!
I have become a sucker for instant gratification. It is so much easier to gain happiness in amongst the reality, by going to the cinema with your mates, snuggling up to your gorgeous boyfriend, watching your favourite band play. 'The Dream' however requires a lot more time and effort. So the answer (apparently) is not laziness but fear? Granted, by nature I am not a lazy person, however recently I seem to have got much better at sleeping in, spending the whole day on my laptop surfing rubbish, and coming up with reasons not to do things.
For the last 6 months I have told myself every week to:
1. Go to some dance classes -
I tried everything local, including Zumba which while it is great exercise, a background knowledge in the subject isn't required when auditioning in the West End. I looked at most options that would avoid travel and cost, all the while knowing that Pineapple was where I needed to be. Laziness or fear?
2. Practice singing daily (Yes even if its loud!) -
I would try for about 10 minutes in the shower, not warming up properly, and then trail off. In recent singing lessons the task has been 'belting' aka: shouting on a tune, to the neighbours this would be translated as - a cat being strangled slowly. Funny how I don't wish that to be what springs to mind when I sing. Laziness or fear?
I think it could be either. The reason I am more torn towards laziness is because in the grand scheme of things neither of these two tasks are that difficult to carry out. What I really need is a verbal kick up the backside. Which funnily enough I get quite often from the people most important to me...
Actually what I really need is to perform again. When I say perform I mean really perform. Get stuck into a real role or script or perform some great musical theatre songs in a concert or show. Indulge in what I do best.
How do I do that? Stop being lazy and practice!
That means, conquer your fear of not really being a dancer and join Pineapple and focus on the joy of belting that big note in your favourite song and forget about your neighbours, who are way to busy to care what you sound like anyway.
Hmm, maybe it was fear afterall.
