a)To be a full time professional actress, performer
and singer in theatre, TV & film etc.
b)To go to an accredited drama school.
c)To have a lead role in a musical in the West End.
So now you are all up to speed with my dreams.
All humans have dreams. As children we are all told to believe in ourselves, and are nurtured as we go through a journey of ideas of what we would most like to be when we grow up. However, once we are 'grown up' there comes a time where we have to re-evaluate and wonder if our aspirations are at all achievable.
In life there are the forever dreamers, who will do whatever it takes to achieve their dreams. These are the ones who never stop dreaming. Then, there are the people who weigh up the pros and cons and eventually decide that they have come to the end of their aspirational road for one reason or another.
I find that I am often both of these people. In order to fulfil my dream, I have to be super confident that I will achieve it. I have to make a lifestyle choice. A choice to be forever uncertain, unknown and temporary. To allow my life to be determined by luck, being in the right place at the right time and the subjectivity of others. To fear that if i cannot achieve my dream, there is not another one that I would wish for. To fear that I may attempt it for too long and then be stuck for a career late in life. To fear that it may not be possible.
The three dreams listed at the top of the page are in no particular order. All are of great difficulty to obtain and I want them all. I have been attempting a) for just over a year now since leaving university and even though I have tried to remove the stigma that b) is absolutely necessary to achieve my dream, it still remains on the list. Like most people I find failure very difficult, (not so good if you are an actress.)I have tried to get into Drama School on three separate occasions and failed. Although there are many different routes to success as an actor, I can finally say that whether it is necessary or not, I want it. I want it, I need it and I believe that I deserve it.
That has taken me a while to realise again. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want it anymore, probably because it was difficult to achieve. Guess we cannot run from our dreams. Now that is out in the open, I guess I have to become a forever dreamer. I have to work extremely hard to achieve my dreams, and believe me there are many more of a similar nature to be added to the list!
For now real life is dreaming. We have to believe that there can be no reality where our dreams are not possible.
Showing posts with label self belief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self belief. Show all posts
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Is cynical thinking just self-preservation?
Recently I have noticed that in life we can be extremely cynical of certain situations and the people that surround us. Cynicism is defined as 'contemptuously distrustful of human nature and motives'. Sometimes previous experience teaches us that things aren't always what they seem, so we act with caution to avoid disappointment. This means we subconsciously feel negative towards an idea or situation and then feel guilty for immediately predicting the worst outcome. Should we torture ourselves for protecting our feelings?
George Carlin believes that 'Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.' This change occurs with age. As children we are gullible and naive, we dream and idealise about what may, might or could happen with no thought of how we might feel if it doesn't. However, as we get older we start to lose faith in the improbable and become more self-aware. Cynicism can be linked to realism, in that we blame our negative thinking on a need to be realistic. We are aware of the tough world we live in and expect little so we can be pleasantly surprised when we recieve a lot. Daniel Waters expands on this, 'In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow you to get some entertainment out of it.' He shows how we often feel better with our cynical viewpoint, as it saves us from the shame and embarrassment of believing everything and then looking like a fool.
Unfortunately some people become cynical about everything in the world, which leads to bitterness and resentment. 'A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.' (Henry Louis Mencken) These people become blind to any form of positivity and put a negative spin on everything in an attempt to safeguard their emotions. Our bitterness towards certain situations can stem from other's views, previous experiences or what society tells us to believe. The biblical story of the 'Good Samaritan' is a case example. It shows of how we do not expect kindness from a stranger, because we are led to believe that humans are all self-centered and out for their own gain. However, sometimes there is one person who is an exception to the rule and thinks of others.
A couple of weeks ago I had my belongings stolen on a night bus in London. I remember reacting with surprising apathy, just accepting my fate and casually criticising mankind. A few days later I received a letter with my cards and I.D enclosed. A stranger had found my items in their back garden and taken the time to return them to me. I was completely surprised that someone would go to that trouble. Why do I expect to be robbed but not to be compensated? Am I cynical or is the world cynical?
Questions also arise when a cynic requires proof in order to believe something to be true. With freedom of speech we can say within reason, what we like, however there is no proof to establish if what we say is true. We can meet people who relay fantastical stories and events which we want to believe are real, but something inside tells us they are not factual. We become guilty and feel bad for doubting a friend, but cannot disguise the glimmer of hope than exists within us, that wants to believe them. Oscar Wilde describes a cynic as 'A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.' To avoid this label we might be better off investing in the glimmer of hope we spend so much time trying to hide.
I hope that mankind does not wish to be cynical and look at the world negatively. Equally we do not want to wear rose coloured glasses, as life may disappoint us more than we expect it to. Henry Louis Mencken's view may be self-preserving, 'The cynics are right nine times out of ten' However, if one time out of ten we take a risk and give someone the benefit of the doubt, we might stop being cynical or even hopeful and start to be happy.
George Carlin believes that 'Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.' This change occurs with age. As children we are gullible and naive, we dream and idealise about what may, might or could happen with no thought of how we might feel if it doesn't. However, as we get older we start to lose faith in the improbable and become more self-aware. Cynicism can be linked to realism, in that we blame our negative thinking on a need to be realistic. We are aware of the tough world we live in and expect little so we can be pleasantly surprised when we recieve a lot. Daniel Waters expands on this, 'In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow you to get some entertainment out of it.' He shows how we often feel better with our cynical viewpoint, as it saves us from the shame and embarrassment of believing everything and then looking like a fool.
Unfortunately some people become cynical about everything in the world, which leads to bitterness and resentment. 'A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.' (Henry Louis Mencken) These people become blind to any form of positivity and put a negative spin on everything in an attempt to safeguard their emotions. Our bitterness towards certain situations can stem from other's views, previous experiences or what society tells us to believe. The biblical story of the 'Good Samaritan' is a case example. It shows of how we do not expect kindness from a stranger, because we are led to believe that humans are all self-centered and out for their own gain. However, sometimes there is one person who is an exception to the rule and thinks of others.
A couple of weeks ago I had my belongings stolen on a night bus in London. I remember reacting with surprising apathy, just accepting my fate and casually criticising mankind. A few days later I received a letter with my cards and I.D enclosed. A stranger had found my items in their back garden and taken the time to return them to me. I was completely surprised that someone would go to that trouble. Why do I expect to be robbed but not to be compensated? Am I cynical or is the world cynical?
Questions also arise when a cynic requires proof in order to believe something to be true. With freedom of speech we can say within reason, what we like, however there is no proof to establish if what we say is true. We can meet people who relay fantastical stories and events which we want to believe are real, but something inside tells us they are not factual. We become guilty and feel bad for doubting a friend, but cannot disguise the glimmer of hope than exists within us, that wants to believe them. Oscar Wilde describes a cynic as 'A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.' To avoid this label we might be better off investing in the glimmer of hope we spend so much time trying to hide.
I hope that mankind does not wish to be cynical and look at the world negatively. Equally we do not want to wear rose coloured glasses, as life may disappoint us more than we expect it to. Henry Louis Mencken's view may be self-preserving, 'The cynics are right nine times out of ten' However, if one time out of ten we take a risk and give someone the benefit of the doubt, we might stop being cynical or even hopeful and start to be happy.
Thursday, 4 February 2010
I want the fire back....
I'm enraged with the words of Buffy The Musical in attempt to get back what I have lost. Yes that's right, it has got that bad.
On a serious note I do feel slightly....lost. As I said in a previous post, I don't seem to recognise myself. I'm constantly, questioning, checking, doubting, asking why? It's a natural thing I guess, when we are children we don't need to check anything because everything is decided for us, in the main you have clear boundaries, are told right from wrong, good and bad, given the correct path and so you follow it. Ironically though these rules can usually provoke all the wrong path decisions. The further problem then comes when adulthood arrives. So you make the normal adjustments, move away from home, create an appropriate but necessary distance from your parents and the worlds your oyster. Only what if you have no faith that you will find the pearl?
Of course each case is different. I know some people change childhood dreams about ten times and still end up doing something different. I have had one dream my entire life. That is now somehow part of the problem. Having one dream now seems rather naive. I guess the main rule is that everyday life is an act in itself. It was of course Shakespeare who famously said, 'the world is a stage and the people in it merely players.' Us performers must put on an act in every audition in order to make ourselves believe that we are the best, while also not seeming arrogant. I used to have that ability, or at least I believed I did. That's what it all comes down to in the end. Self belief. People always say no-one will love you if you don't love yourself. However, we as human begins are never able to provide ourselves with this self love as we see it as act of narcissism ,that we judge in other people as a self-obsessed trait. Someone reminded me today that this existence of self-doubt can lead to further paranoia that then overrides any logical thought. I had to agree with this. It showed me that in our butterfly minds we are constantly waiting for the next metamorphosis, forgetting that we have already completed so many, however small or insignificant we believe them to be. Nature must take its course before the next transformation can begin. Our self-doubt and negative thinking will only hinder this process.
A wise man recently told me that before an audition a good amount of nerves is always needed. He said that the aim is to not get rid of the butterflies in your stomach but just to assure that they fly in formation. This analogy can be applied to everything, the world sends us hiccups and obstacles every day,what we must do is refrain from creating more for ourselves which may upset the butterflies in flight.
On a serious note I do feel slightly....lost. As I said in a previous post, I don't seem to recognise myself. I'm constantly, questioning, checking, doubting, asking why? It's a natural thing I guess, when we are children we don't need to check anything because everything is decided for us, in the main you have clear boundaries, are told right from wrong, good and bad, given the correct path and so you follow it. Ironically though these rules can usually provoke all the wrong path decisions. The further problem then comes when adulthood arrives. So you make the normal adjustments, move away from home, create an appropriate but necessary distance from your parents and the worlds your oyster. Only what if you have no faith that you will find the pearl?
Of course each case is different. I know some people change childhood dreams about ten times and still end up doing something different. I have had one dream my entire life. That is now somehow part of the problem. Having one dream now seems rather naive. I guess the main rule is that everyday life is an act in itself. It was of course Shakespeare who famously said, 'the world is a stage and the people in it merely players.' Us performers must put on an act in every audition in order to make ourselves believe that we are the best, while also not seeming arrogant. I used to have that ability, or at least I believed I did. That's what it all comes down to in the end. Self belief. People always say no-one will love you if you don't love yourself. However, we as human begins are never able to provide ourselves with this self love as we see it as act of narcissism ,that we judge in other people as a self-obsessed trait. Someone reminded me today that this existence of self-doubt can lead to further paranoia that then overrides any logical thought. I had to agree with this. It showed me that in our butterfly minds we are constantly waiting for the next metamorphosis, forgetting that we have already completed so many, however small or insignificant we believe them to be. Nature must take its course before the next transformation can begin. Our self-doubt and negative thinking will only hinder this process.
A wise man recently told me that before an audition a good amount of nerves is always needed. He said that the aim is to not get rid of the butterflies in your stomach but just to assure that they fly in formation. This analogy can be applied to everything, the world sends us hiccups and obstacles every day,what we must do is refrain from creating more for ourselves which may upset the butterflies in flight.
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