I want the fire back....

I'm enraged with the words of Buffy The Musical in attempt to get back what I have lost. Yes that's right, it has got that bad.

On a serious note I do feel slightly....lost. As I said in a previous post, I don't seem to recognise myself. I'm constantly, questioning, checking, doubting, asking why? It's a natural thing I guess, when we are children we don't need to check anything because everything is decided for us, in the main you have clear boundaries, are told right from wrong, good and bad, given the correct path and so you follow it. Ironically though these rules can usually provoke all the wrong path decisions. The further problem then comes when adulthood arrives. So you make the normal adjustments, move away from home, create an appropriate but necessary distance from your parents and the worlds your oyster. Only what if you have no faith that you will find the pearl?

Of course each case is different. I know some people change childhood dreams about ten times and still end up doing something different. I have had one dream my entire life. That is now somehow part of the problem. Having one dream now seems rather naive. I guess the main rule is that everyday life is an act in itself. It was of course Shakespeare who famously said, 'the world is a stage and the people in it merely players.' Us performers must put on an act in every audition in order to make ourselves believe that we are the best, while also not seeming arrogant. I used to have that ability, or at least I believed I did. That's what it all comes down to in the end. Self belief. People always say no-one will love you if you don't love yourself. However, we as human begins are never able to provide ourselves with this self love as we see it as act of narcissism ,that we judge in other people as a self-obsessed trait. Someone reminded me today that this existence of self-doubt can lead to further paranoia that then overrides any logical thought. I had to agree with this. It showed me that in our butterfly minds we are constantly waiting for the next metamorphosis, forgetting that we have already completed so many, however small or insignificant we believe them to be. Nature must take its course before the next transformation can begin. Our self-doubt and negative thinking will only hinder this process.

A wise man recently told me that before an audition a good amount of nerves is always needed. He said that the aim is to not get rid of the butterflies in your stomach but just to assure that they fly in formation. This analogy can be applied to everything, the world sends us hiccups and obstacles every day,what we must do is refrain from creating more for ourselves which may upset the butterflies in flight.