Why I never liked Marmalade...

Do not worry I am not going to use this blog post to dissect the reasons for my distaste of certain toast toppings. It's more my realisation that while avoiding dark chocolate and never understanding the fashionable fascination of a gin and tonic, I have still managed to create a certain bitterness in my life.

Now this bitterness may not be one I can feel on my tastebuds but it certainly leaves a lingering aftertaste.

I am a struggling or 'resting' actress, living and working in the catastrophically expensive London Town. Two years out of my masters at Drama School, although I was fortunate to have the funds, the year cost me my entire inheritance and I have only one paid acting job on my CV to date. With my thirties on the not too distant horizon , I am living in a mouldy room in North London because it's cheap and barely making my rent with every bitty, freelance job I can find and possibly hold down for a few months. Knowing that there was once a time I had enough money for a down payment on a flat or a year travelling the world does create a certain sting. Yet these things were never a priority for me.

I made a choice. That choice I decided when I was a child, all I ever wanted to do was perform and all I ever wanted to be was a performer. I couldn't or wouldn't choose anything else. Now I'm no longer a child and again I have a choice:

Do I continue to attempt to make a living from performing? Knowing that for probably 10 or 11 months out of the year that will be me teaching children, selling popcorn or programmes and making just enough money to scrape by. Therefore not creating any sort of future or building a career of any kind, but safe in the belief that I'm following my dreams and that I'm not a quitter.

Or, do I decide that I need to stop treading water and actually get a real job that can give me stability, security and safety? Knowing that 'quitting' as I put it, giving up, changing my mind and picking something new is the most frightening thing in the world to do , when all you have wanted since the age of 5 is to be onstage.

The ultimate cliche is that acting is a hard business, it's the first thing that comes out of every strangers mouth when you say Its the career you have chosen. Yes we all know its hard, and there's a lot of rejection and it can take a really long time to make it etc, but we are supposed to believe in ourselves enough to put up with all of that negativity.

We go see shows and look at all the other actors with success and know we can do what they do, but so can 50 other people.  We create our own work and discover that someone else has already created practically the same thing. We go to open calls and see a Walking Dead queue of people who look exactly like we do and we wonder what makes us the exception. The industry is saturated and there is endless choice, so evidently most of us will miss out and after a while that begins to hurt.

I think I have finally discovered where my hurt comes from. They say you should only do what makes you happy. Performing makes me happy but living this limbo existence waiting around to perform really doesn't.

Actors go through these ups and downs very frequently some more than others, I have had these conversations with myself too many times to count and every time no matter the cons I couldn't justify giving up on my dream.

Is my bitterness now a justification for that? However baffling it may seem, is following my dream actually making me unhappy?

Maybe happiness and following your dream are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe I need to find a new dream.

I cannot say what the answers are right now but I hope I discover them soon.
Otherwise I should just take free marmalade on toast to my next audition, because no matter how
good an actress I am, there's no way the panel will miss the bitter aftertaste in my mouth.

Tired of exhaustion

I can't help feeling exhausted. With everything.

Rather a dramatic word for lacking in sleep I know but although I am tired, I use the word in a different way. I feel worn and battered most of the time in myself and in the effort of daily life. This begins as a frustration, usually with my career choice and love life or lack there of, and departs leaving behind a great heaviness.

It's the insistence of stitching the frayed seam of a favourite dress, that should have been thrown out years ago, before you leave the house only for the strap to break a few hours later. A minor mishap but exhausting just the same. A waste of seconds however small.

This feeling isn't quite as constant and depressing as it sounds it can be quite dulled at times too. Yet it is clever. It tricks you by pretending it's disappeared, hiding behind laughter and teasing you with little hopes of the future.

Inevitably the future remains an unknown entity. When the hopes fail to materialise into something tangible, the exhaustion returns this time in an ache, that always resides in your muscles which feel heavy and overused. Something that is always strange when you haven't particularly overworked them with unusual exercise.

You feel ancient when only at the quarter of your century. Frustrated with this exhaustion, mentally slapping yourself in the face knowing how good you actually do have it and while you are bemoaning the demise of an insignificant H&M dress, the children working in the sweatshop that made it are struggling to stay alive each day.

You notice the sun setting and it's beautiful and you wonder why you feel so full of effort.
Conversation is a hurdle and even the plans you have dared to look forward to become a struggle in their execution. Cancellations are met with relief,  because your gut instinct told you the original event would only have been arduous.

Surely the response to this exhaustion would be to just give up trying. Ignore any attempt to engineer, plan, create or fix. Allow the universe to decide what happens next and avoid any desire to manage it.

Why does that notion seem impossible? Probably because in the frustration of exhaustion there is still a small desire buried in the muscle ache. A minute fragment of hope that all the effort, sweat and tears that have past escaped, will one day amount to something that will be effortless.

A peaceful slumber that can envelop the exhaustion and reward it with a good nights rest. I guess that's why true dreams occur when we are asleep. No effort is required for them.

Wow?! ('The Dream' - a year on)

‘Wow?!’ Is the response I gave when realising that the last time I wrote a blog post was practically to the day an entire year ago! I followed this with 'How is that possible?' and yes this was an outspoken disbelief even though there was nobody in the room to hear me!

In my defence over the last year I have been extremely busy completing a Musical Theatre MA at Drama School, which was one of three goals of 'The Dream', an earlier post from February last year dedicated to three things I had dreamed of achieving in my career.

'I have tried to get into Drama School on three separate occasions and failed. Although there are many different routes to success as an actor, I can finally say that whether it is necessary or not, I want it. I want it, I need it and I believe that I deserve it.' (The Dream,2012)

A couple months after writing that post I auditioned for Drama school for the fourth time and this time I got in. I then embarked on a rollercoaster of a year, which tested my entire being emotionally and physically. The course completely took over my life and while I learnt a great deal, it left little time for genuine reflection, or for writing anything other than what the course required.

I find it very strange looking back at the above quote now. Whether I deserved to get into Drama School remains to be seen. Yes it was something I convinced myself that I needed and something that I believed I wanted. The reality however was not dreamlike at all but a struggle. I was lucky enough to make some amazing friends that I hope I will never lose, while learning lots about my craft. Yet the course created a doubt in my mind that questioned all of the dreams I had ever had since the age of five.

My MA project focussed on 'Fear and the actor' a notion which plagued my entire time on the course. Funnily enough during writing, I revisited my blog and found many posts which talked about fear. It became evident that although I thought that fear was a brand new challenge, it was one I had been facing for a while.

So, fearful but determined to attempt to fulfil my other dreams having completed my MA, I got an agent and now await the opportunity to audition. While working front of house and teaching in order to pay my rent, I look back at the remaining two goals from 'The Dream' and wonder how I am going to achieve them or if I even want to anymore:

a)To be a full time professional actress, performer and singer in theatre, TV & film etc.
b)To go to an accredited drama school.
c)To have a lead role in a musical in the West End.

Getting into Drama School took time, money and confidence. Something the other two dreams also require. A year on; I still have time - I am now a twenty-five year old masters graduate, yet I cannot help thinking that I still don’t have my foot in the door of any career path yet. Money - That all went on the course, hence why I am now spending my time watching others perform each night to earn a wage rather than peforming myself. Confidence - Unfortunately I am now not rich in this either. The course ironically sent me back leaps in this department. It has left me wondering if I even have what is required to be successful in this industry, which in turn has diluted my passion and enthusiasm to succeed in it.

With the universal knowledge that the major requirement to succeed in this business is Luck, my rational brain takes over and I am left trying to think of other dreams I might have that could provide more security or a better future:

d) Use my love of writing and turn my dairies from my teenage years into a book
e) To work as an assistant to a professional Casting Director/Agent (something I can hopefully achieve later in life after performing professionally)

There’s no reason why I cannot start reaching towards these dreams and still keep the previous ones alive, but unfortunately I believe that these new goals would be just as difficult to complete as the old ones.

I am once again stuck in a limbo land where I have so many possibilities and questions, that I cannot focus enough to get started on one. By working every night my part-time job slowly becomes a lifestyle, made worse by the fact that I am a much happier, confident person now that I am no longer at drama school! I am left wondering why I am not pro-actively seeking my dreams anymore.

Is that fact that I am comfortably living in a reality where I am not performing a sign that my old dreams are over, or am I now just too fearful to dream at all?

The Dream

a)To be a full time professional actress, performer
and singer in theatre, TV & film etc.
b)To go to an accredited drama school.
c)To have a lead role in a musical in the West End.

So now you are all up to speed with my dreams.
All humans have dreams. As children we are all told to believe in ourselves, and are nurtured as we go through a journey of ideas of what we would most like to be when we grow up. However, once we are 'grown up' there comes a time where we have to re-evaluate and wonder if our aspirations are at all achievable.

In life there are the forever dreamers, who will do whatever it takes to achieve their dreams. These are the ones who never stop dreaming. Then, there are the people who weigh up the pros and cons and eventually decide that they have come to the end of their aspirational road for one reason or another.

I find that I am often both of these people. In order to fulfil my dream, I have to be super confident that I will achieve it. I have to make a lifestyle choice. A choice to be forever uncertain, unknown and temporary. To allow my life to be determined by luck, being in the right place at the right time and the subjectivity of others. To fear that if i cannot achieve my dream, there is not another one that I would wish for. To fear that I may attempt it for too long and then be stuck for a career late in life. To fear that it may not be possible.

The three dreams listed at the top of the page are in no particular order. All are of great difficulty to obtain and I want them all. I have been attempting a) for just over a year now since leaving university and even though I have tried to remove the stigma that b) is absolutely necessary to achieve my dream, it still remains on the list. Like most people I find failure very difficult, (not so good if you are an actress.)I have tried to get into Drama School on three separate occasions and failed. Although there are many different routes to success as an actor, I can finally say that whether it is necessary or not, I want it. I want it, I need it and I believe that I deserve it.

That has taken me a while to realise again. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want it anymore, probably because it was difficult to achieve. Guess we cannot run from our dreams. Now that is out in the open, I guess I have to become a forever dreamer. I have to work extremely hard to achieve my dreams, and believe me there are many more of a similar nature to be added to the list!

For now real life is dreaming. We have to believe that there can be no reality where our dreams are not possible.

Who needs realism?

Over the last three years I have become more realistic as a person. Whether this was intentional I am yet to know, but it is an attribute that comes with growing up and one that unfortunately cannot be avoided.

Realism affects our ambitions, our hopes and dreams. That's why children are encouraged to fantasise, create stories and fuel their imagination in every way possible. Their innocence, determination and positivity is short lived. By adulthood it is replaced, by responsibility, cynicism and realism.

Often having a realistic outlook is beneficial. It is part of self-preservation, by enclosing ourselves in the idea of realism we expect to be disappointed, rejected and confused. That way we do not set our sights above our reach and can be pleasantly surprised on the rare occasions when our negativity is proved false.

However, realism can also cause extreme bitterness as it can vanquish the purity of undiluted ambition and prevent the desire to succeed. Many of us give up before we have begun, not because we don't believe we can do it, but because the stakes are too high and the statistics are against us. Therefore we provide the excuse that we are just being realistic.

I have uttered the previous sentence on many occasions in the last year, but when someone asked where my ambition had gone, I thought it was still intact just slightly matured. I was wrong it had been worn, eaten away by the need to grow up and think of the obtainable.

What is realism anyway? It is defined as 'a concern for fact or reality and rejection of the impractical and visionary' in the dictionary. So a dream is now considered impractical. Haven't they missed the point? The whole idea of dreaming is to reach for something more, something you cant see, something that you may never reach but at least you tried.

That is the point, to try. To endeavour to reach your own goals however unachievable they seem on a daily basis. However realistic we are, we cannot foresee the future. We do not know what reality may throw back at us. How do we know if reality as we know it even exists at all? We don't.

So next time you really really want something that's slightly out of reach, dont accept that it is too difficult and impractical. Just ask youself, 'Who needs realism?'

A reminder to forget.

I have been thinking lately about how difficult it is to control what we remember, and how much our memories control our lives. Memories are defined as 'an image or impression of one that is remembered'. What we remember is subjective but perhaps it cannot be controlled at all.

Often we believe that it is in our best interest to banish certain memories from our psyche. For example, at the end of an era a mourning process begins and we must focus our attentions upon our new lives. Therefore recalling fond memories, pouring over old photos and mourning over lost laughs can be detrimental to the healing process.

Our time to reflect and remember our past can be quite therapeutic and fill our minds with a time when we experienced great happiness. As Tennessee Williams beautifully describes, 'In memory everything seems to happen to music'. However when our memories are negative we naturally become depressed and wish we could erase them completely.

An ironic part of this process occurs when we try desperately to not think of a certain event, person or specific memory. At this time everything around seems to remind us of exactly what we are trying to forget. Is this an unlikely coincidence? The devil on our shoulder making life extra difficult? Or simply our lack of control exposing itself further?

Naturally it is a waste of time and effort fighting to control something we ultimately cannot. A life with memories, good and bad is better than a life with nothing. We need to remember any lessons learnt, experiences had and dreams that may become realities and if a few reminders and memories help us on the way, then so be it.