Internet dating or Internet failing?

It's 2014 and gone are the days of courting and romantic letter writing. Now whatsapping, social media stalking and snapchat are the introduction to any potential love interest. If you haven't liked their photo on Facebook, tweeted them or found them on a dating website then it seems you cannot expect true love!

I myself have been trying out a few dating websites over the past few years as have many people I know. In fact internet dating popularity spans various ages and experiences; divorcees looking for new love, youngsters looking for fun or even women searching for 'the one' they are all there.

The days of meeting somebody on a night out are old hat, they are usually fuelled by alcohol and the relationship rarely leads to anything more serious as the promised text of the next day almost never arrives. What about meeting someone through a friend or at work? That can happen but now our lives are so rushed and crammed full, that trying to squeeze in another person takes time and effort and sometimes more change to your daily routine than you expected.

For some reason internet dating seems more appealing, it's less committal, you check your page at the end of the night and reply to a few messages. There's an instant ego boost - somebody out there finds me attractive - whether you like them or not is irrelevant you can now go to bed slightly more fulfilled than you were when you woke up. A pattern is now formed and that repeats but you don't seem to notice.

You may go on a few dates from these websites, but in my experience you rarely get to date number 2. Each app's own feature where you can scroll left or right over each face is addictive and creates brand new boxes that each prospect needs to tick. You become paranoid that you are fussy when you don't find somebody attractive, as you insist that you want compatibility and chemistry, but then beat yourself up when a guy who seemed interested suddenly stops replying.

It's instant gratification at its best. Instant communication; instant ego boost, instant flirtation, instant feeling and therefore instant disappointment and instant heartache. Everything is at the swipe of your keypad and the click of your camera. More often than not you are invested in a person before even actually meeting them!

The immediate feature of everything the internet has to offer is actually the cause of more stress and upset than help in the dating game. Before mobile phones you made a date and stuck to it and didn't really speak in between. Now there are days of texting involved and hours of waiting as you see that they last read your text 4 hours before! Facebook says they are online and they are ignoring you, they tweeted an hour ago but didn't reply to yours, its brain ache!

Drew Barrymore's line from the film He's just not that into you makes this exact point,

"I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, and so I called him at home, and he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

Now 5 years on instead of learning from this, the problem is even worse. A new website Hetexted.com is a relationship advice platform where women can upload pictures of text conversations they had with men and seek advice on why they haven't responded or what their text actually means. The value of a single text is now likened to that of an actual date it requires so much analysing afterwards! Internet dating is fashionable and social media is the norm and both become so easy and accessible you forget what your main focus was at the start of it all - to find someone who wants a relationship and hopefully fall in love.

In our attempt to search for this we have made it more complex and ultimately more stressful. It's easy to say don't look for it and it will find you, but unfortunately that is not the case anymore. Everyone is looking for it and it seems what they are finding is instant and exciting but not altogether that incredible or everlasting.

So Geography was important afterall!

Who knew that after hours of learning about rocks and volcanoes the most boring lesson of the week would actually turn out to be very important? Of course I am not referring to exactly what was taught in the classroom, but more how our lives can cover oceans and continents alike.

Travel has become a big part of society today. People like to go away for a holiday to relax, escape their lives and experience something new. Others like to take years and explore their favourite destinations to discover and find themselves. Sometimes travel is a necessity, we might travel for our job or for a religious endeavour. As people we do not like to be stationary as we can get bored with the continuous and so travelling provokes a new and healthy change in our lives.

Geography can sometimes become an obstacle, mainly within relationships. We cannot always live near the people we love. Families are divided across the world. We are forced to wait months in between seeing close friends. Romantic relationships can end because the couple cannot commit to a long-distance relationship. This can become ironic as you can meet your soul mate online and they have to live across the other side of the world rather than on your doorstep! Whether we allow this to affect us is the question.

I guess what I have recently learnt is that we sometimes let geography control us when we hold all the power. Once we allow someones address or the problem of travel to get in our way, we become a victim of earth and water!

My plea to you is as follows: Go visit that friend you have wanted to for the last year. Stop pouring over holiday brochures, start saving and book that dream getaway. Do not give up on a good romance because it might take a train or two to make it work. Finally to the kids: Pay attention in school, you might learn something!

The Missing Piece.

Started writing in my diary thinking this was something I didn't want to share with the world, then changed my mind. As how can you be afraid to share what you don't have?

Watched 'Dear John' this evening and in addition to sobbing for most of the film I got thinking. I absolutely knew that as it's from the same writers as 'The Notebook ', it would be a heart-wrenching romantic film and I therefore expected to cry but not for the reason I did. Ironically and probably quite ignorantly what made me the most upset was the fact that I could not understand how they felt, having not not known that type of love in my life yet. The type of love I call - The missing piece.

You know the type of love I mean right? Well maybe you don't. Love that consumes you, love that keeps you breathing. Love that keeps you awake at night and gives you a reason to wake up in the morning. Love that is your moon, stars and sun. The type of love that once you find it you can't imagine letting it go and the thought of that ever happening fills you with indescribable fear. Love where you know the bad and good and it doesn't matter. Love that makes you so frustrated and then so fulfilled at the same time. Love that completes you. Love like Romeo and Juliet, Elizabeth and Mr Darcy, Pocahontas and John Smith and of course love like Bella and Edward.

I am of course aware that with all the good, love can also bring pain and heartache. Which in turn provides a way for us to learn, grow, adapt and change. Without it I therefore feel I am missing an opportunity, missing a piece in my life. Is something missing or am I just missing out on something? The sensible answer it that it is just not the right time for me to experience this 'something'. Who knows? Who cares? Well annoyingly enough I do and that is a good point. The more time and effort I spend caring and worrying about my empty space, is probably what delays the missing piece from finding it. Ironic and irritatingly sensible, this discovery doesn't make the process any easier.

I constantly remind people about how I have no interest in marriage and kids, but yet I wish for something linked with those two things to complete me in a way that one day they will also. I feel without any knowledge of real love how can I imagine myself devoting my life to it. Irrelevant of my age and the fact that I am just starting out in life, I feel behind and confused because I don't know why. Life isn't a race and love is not always a bed of roses and films only show love that is fake right? I believe that anyone who feels this, has found themselves in a similar predicament to me and handles it by being bitter.

Maybe I am behind. Maybe I am missing a piece. Or maybe I am just making a puzzle of everything. All I will say is that when or if I ever do find the missing piece, I will do everything and anything I can to make sure it is a perfect fit. By perfect I don't mean a fantasy, I mean perfectly real. A perfectly real missing piece for a perfectly real puzzle.

Luck, a man-made idea?

Do you ever take time out of your day to wonder how luck has played a part in it?

The idea of luck centers around chance, fate and faith, all things we ultimately have no control over. We normally become aware of luck when we notice it's absence. We believe a pre-determined force is out to get us, after experiencing a sudden negative turn of events or upon hearing some bad news. If this negative pattern continues we then label ourselves as unlucky. However, what does luck actually signify and how can we be sure it exists and it is not just a coincidence disguised in a man made ideology created to increase hope? By definition luck is 'a force that brings good fortune or adversity' or 'a favoring chance.' Therefore it's existence is an added bonus, but it's absence just joins the end of a long list of attributes, qualities and objects we don't have, but nevertheless depress us further because we don't understand why we don't have them.

Luck can be measured on a variety of levels, depending on how you view it. There are universal symbols of luck such as the four-leaf clover and Irish leprechaun. We also collect personal items throughout over lives that prove lucky for us. This could be a favourite pair of underwear, piece of jewelery, photo or general keepsake. Whether these items are lucky we will never know. It is questionable whether our belief in them, tips the scales to creating a positive outcome when they are near, or if the luck surrounding them is merely a random turn of events.

Symbols of bad luck usually center around superstitions, involving breaking mirrors, black cats crossing paths and the number thirteen. Do we believe in these myths to provide a reason for our fear of making a mistake or choosing the wrong path? Certain acts are often created to promote fairness and assure the outcome is left to chance, for example when names are picked out of a hat. Sometimes our faith is tested when our prior expectations are proved correct and so cynical thinking comes into play. This can therefore remind us of how unlucky we are or suggest the idea that luck cannot exist as humans will always intervene and upset the natural and supposed random order of things.

We can also ask how much is luck dependant on free will? We live our day to day lives and make choices, some big and some small. Along the way luck intervenes and either helps or hinders us. It's presence can sometimes belittle achievement, as we believe our constant efforts are often wasted as an unknown element is in complete control waiting to shine it's light on us and seal our fate. Luck is also an idea used as an excuse for uncertainty. If we cannot be completely sure of something we say it is all down to luck. Therefore humans are absolved of error and blame, as whatever they do they cannot be sue of anything, because luck does not knock before it enters. The element of surprise then becomes our safe house. How does that make any sense?

We come back again to the idea of subjectivity. One person might consider constantly tripping up and walking into things a sign of bad luck, whereas another might look upon this as a clumsy behavioral habit that could be passed down genetically. Similar to irony, good luck normally pays a visit to someone else when you are feeling particularly in need of it. This is described in the great words of Alanis Morissette in her song Ironic, 'it's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife'. Now the reaction to this differs from person to person. Some, like myself, read into situations of irony, fate and luck and believe that there is a reason why each of them have occurred at that precise moment. Others refuse to believe that such a power can exist without human interference. Unfortunately neither can be assumed as right or wrong.

Most unknown, invisible, ideas, notions and beliefs are linked together magically in a web of intangible mystery. Some believe that a man makes his own luck, others believe it is bestowed at random selection. The idea of luck simplistically is hope. Hope that on your birthday the sun will shine. Hope that you will excel at that job interview. Hope that you will one day fall in love with someone who loves you back. Hope that something good can happen to you and it not be in the form of payment, guilt or necessity. Hope that something good can happen to you for no other reason than at that particular moment of that particular day you just happened to deserve it.

To flirt or not to flirt, how to is the question...

How do you flirt successfully? This is a problem I have realised we all have come across at one point or another in our lives and it has been a focus of mine recently.

I would love to sit here and come up with a complete full-proof list of flirting guidelines for both sexes. However, I feel I am completely inexperienced in this area. It seems that no recipe of flirting success can be guaranteed. I mean there are a few generalisations and tips as a rule of thumb. For example, men cannot take hints or subtlety in any capacity and need our feelings spelled out for them! What if this means scaring them away? It is simply just a minefield and no amount of analysing ever seems to find a sure resolution.

We have the old fashioned customs detailing of how the guy should always make the first move. However, I have always been a firm believer that there is no reason why a girl can't do the same. It's films like He's just not that into you that depict single women as needy and desperate disasters who spend their time pining after missed opportunities, exes and men way out of their league. The complete message of that film is that no girl should ever take a chance on a guy or show him any interest at all, as the men hold the complete power and if they don't make a move then they are just not that into you! Sorry but I completely disagree with this belief. Which is probably why most of my friends after seeing the film, said that the main character (an annoying, womanising, desperate girl) was modelled on me! Great.

I guess the reason there are no rules for this, is that attraction, connection and love are all measured completely differently from person to person. To steal a quote from another great Rom Com, Win a date with Tad Hamilton, 'Everyone has their Tad Hamilton', For anyone who hasn't seen the film, Tad is like Brad Pitt! Meaning that everyone has a person they crave and fancy so much that they are like a famous pinup to them and for everyone that person is different. I often find myself looking at a slightly mismatched couple and quite judgmentally wondering how they have come to be together. Then logic sets in and I realise, that they simply just love each other.

Maybe it is the circles I travel in but I seem to find that men are often hypocritical when it comes to what they want from women. It is said in magazines galore that men like a strong woman, they like someone who can look after herself, they like curves and confidence. However the women I always seem to see men after, are apathetic, wimpy females, who believe it is attractive to seem completely helpless and unintelligent. Maybe men turn to these women because they are an easy target and are therefore willing to pander to their requests, who knows?

Also how do we measure the words 'fancy' or 'flirt'? Some people would say they fancy someone they just like the look of in a bar, but others would say they cannot fancy someone they don't actually know. Fancy is defined as an 'amorous love' which doesn't indicate any relevance to outward appearances. Still it is strange how we can simply be drawn to someone just from the way they look. Nowadays especially for the younger generation I'd say sexual attraction plays a huge part in the initial making a move process. When it comes to flirting there are so many different techniques, the whole thing gets quite confusing! For starters some people are natural flirters and incorporate a cheeky, flattering, tactile, humour into their personality with everyone they meet, this can often be very puzzling to the opposite sex. Others however are very reserved and would be able to successfully hide their feelings for another, for a vast amount of time without anyone catching on.

What I find hard is trying to figure out if the object of your desire would even be remotely interested in you at all! This is so difficult without making an obvious move and then being given an obvious yes/no answer back. I guess like everything flirting takes patience, something most of us do not have. In our busy, hectic lives everything moves so fast and we expect love and attraction to begin and continue rapidly in this ongoing motion. It also depends on the person you are. Some people can move on from their potential points of interest quite quickly, whereas others only invest time in the people they believe to be their soul mate, these objects of unrequited love then become attached to someone else, and are so labelled,'the one that got away'. (This is also the name of a great Pink song from her fourth album I'm not Dead)

One point that always comes up is to not look for love or relationships, as they will find you. Again I sometimes disagree with this point, much like the disagreement over whether luck is a random ray of sunshine shone down from a higher being, or simply the result of a man's own actions. I think love can be written in the stars, or put down to fate, the gods, the planets, or anything believed to have a gravitational pull, scientifically or metaphorically on human beings on earth. However, I also believe we can make our own luck by putting our feelings on the line when it matters, and stepping into the firing line knowing we may get burnt. Otherwise how do we learn if what we are feeling is real? At this point it comes down to strength of character, endurance, and our ability to bounce back from rejection that allows us to decide if this path is right for us.

All I will say is that only we can know what what we really want from a situation and how much we feel we are in control of it, even if this means facing an emotion we feel we cannot. I turn to the words of a great but rather unknown musician to sum up my point, Belinda Gillett - The Girl who disappeared, 'Don't throw your life away in fear'.

Guess who?

Thought as the time was drawing near, I should share my feelings on the public holiday of 14th February. Yes that's right, Valentines Day.

St Valentine, was actually the name of many Saints who were killed in Ancient Rome. We do not know if this day celebrates all or just one of them. According to Jack Oruch, the tradition of Valentines Day did not exist until Geoffrey Chaucer created it in his fictional stories. Which brings me nicely onto the fact that we as a modern society have created our own version of a tradition that has become mainly a shopkeepers delight and a customers despair.

As soon as February begins, all the shops decorate their windows in red with lots of cupids and hearts, all fit for a Tin Man's convention. In particular, florists, chocolate shops and perfumeries expect a vast amount of business at this time, as they sell the normal gifts associated with this time of year at extortionate prices. In America alone, Valentines Day generates about £9 million - Is that the price of love? I guess no girl can ever refuse a bouquets of perfect red roses. (Well unless she is allergic of course) Chocolate is the way to anyone's heart these days and cute cards never fail to be romantic. Card websites such as moonpig.com sell personalised cards which are a sure success. However one read ' Andrew you and I are pretty usual. I am pretty and you are usual'. Anyone who sends that card is surely missing the point, maybe they think Valentines Day means 'dumping day!'

Now there are many opinions about the necessity of Valentines Day. Some believe it is just a product of consumerism designed to exploit the public and tarnish one of the true and honest things we have left in life; love. Others however enjoy the date, as they see it as an excuse to devote time and attention to their partner, that they wouldn't normally be able to. The argument to this however is, that couples should say 'I love you' everyday and so should not need to feel united by a date in order to show their love. Some however would say that an overuse of the phrase destroys its honesty and so they save it for personal special occasions only and not ones universally accepted.

I find that the importance of Valentines Day to a couple usually depends on the length of their relationship. Those in the honeymoon period might use the day as an excuse to be romantic, on the other hand a married couple might use it to re-capture their romance. I guess the whole premise is very subjective (There goes that word again!)

The single most infuriating aspect of the holiday has to be that its existence ensures that anyone who is single on that faithful date feels more alone and undesirable than any other day. I would guess that the most affected are single women who often feel like they need a man in order to function, or those recently dumped by a partner or even widowers. It is funny to think that a man-made tradition has become so widely observed and considered over the years that we allow it to take over our lives and our emotions. There are even Anti-Valentines Day bashes in some parts of America for those that want to openly show their distaste for the commercialised day!

Valentines day at my Secondary school was always fun, there would be a red post box at the front, where people could post their valentines. This was of course great for those that received multiples and humiliating for those that sat with none come February 14th (that was me...) Some parents acknowledged the difficulties of this and often wrote and sent mystery valentines to their children, so they would invest in the excitement of guessing who might have written to them, rather than commiserating their absent card. (I got one a few years running and knew it was my Mum!...if it wasn't please come forward now!)

Seems it all comes back again to this need for a happy ending...or maybe just a need to feel happy, a need for something out of the ordinary, something to look forward to, a need to be spoilt, to feel special, to feel important, to feel loved. I guess we all get used to our everyday lives and if that life includes a partner we get used to them being there and forget sometimes how much they mean to us or how empty we would feel if they were not there anymore.

One of the nice things this day achieves is the belief that it is okay to be demonstrative with love. We can openly and loudly tell someone we love them and not feel embarrassed or exposed but just content and happy that they want to hear it. Shakespeare sums this up beautifully in Macbeth, 'A heart to love, and in that heart, courage, to make love know.'

Love or Hate - There's a fine line....

Have you ever heard about how the feelings behind certain emotions are triggered by the same things? When it comes to how we feel, complete opposites become oddly linked. This is mostly found between the emotions of love and hate. As the famous quote by Francis Smedley says,'All is fair in love and war'.

I think we are often confused by the idea that the people we truly detest and spend our life resenting, being jealous of, or bullied by, we may subconsciously really want to like us. Or maybe we act in a hostile way towards them, because we just don't understand them and haven't taken the time to try.

Most people try to live their life by the rule that hate is a strong word and they should endeavour to avoid using it. By definition, 'hate is an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.' The confusion comes when we realise that hate is an intense emotion much like love. If we didn't care about the object of our hate in even a small capacity, we wouldn't spend the time and effort hating them in the first place. This is often why little boys tease and playfully hit girls in order to seem macho, when really they just fancy them. It can take years to reach emotional maturity and so we cannot always fully understand what our deep emotions are trying to tell us. Sigmund Freud observed that 'people are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate'.

What happens then, when we start to confuse our emotions and become unsure what we are actually feeling? When it comes to love, people are often scared to admit they are experiencing something that will mean giving away their heart and soul to someone else, as it also gives them the power to crush that heart or give back their love at any moment. I guess our feelings are greatly ruled by fear.

Our emotions usually change with different people. It has been said that you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. Obviously we would choose a romantic partner also. I believe that in terms of love and hate it is not necessarily about choice. The family bond we share with our relatives and loved-ones usually means that we vow to forgive and forget most things. As most grudges are overridden by a greater need for them as a person. What happens however when this can't be achieved? Have we failed in a universal necessity? What if sometimes the only emotion we can feel is hate in the form of anger, disappointment or apathy? I guess an example of this would be when someone finds their partner cheating, or when a child feels betrayed by a parent.

Often when we become accustomed to a situation and a person, we end up accepting them as they are and therefore try to ignore their faults and so fail to see when they are truly in the wrong. Once again if we are always the person to compromise and make-amends we are not ever solving the issue just pushing it further under the rug and building up more dust. I find that the main problems created within relationships come down to unfairness and disrespect. There are varying levels of respect expected depending on the relationship. We hope that in a romantic partnrship, respect would be mutual. It sometimes becomes tricky within family relationships as those with age and experience on their side are expected to recieve greater respect. Children are also taught to respect their elders, that means that however old those children get they will still have relatives older. So what happens when those children become adults and their elder is wrong or unreasonable? Are they absolved of this normal disrespectful behaviour, because this generational belief made no stipulations upon its creation? When it comes to family, the stakes are always higher because the love shared in these relationships is always the strongest. Therefore the opinions and judgements of these people will always matter the most.

I think it important to realise that most things in life are linked in one way or another. Love and hate are so similar because we cannot have one without the other. The same with a sickness and it's cure, in this instance that would signify, a disagreement and a solution. Martin Luther King Jr echoes this point, 'Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it. I guess main item that links all these things is passion whether negative or positive, passion is present in everyday life. It it present within us as human beings in the form of an innate desire to live. Passion for love, Passion for hate, Passion for life. The line may be fine but it is intense nonetheless!