‘Wow?!’ Is the response I gave when realising that the last time I wrote a blog post was practically to the day an entire year ago! I followed this with 'How is that possible?' and yes this was an outspoken disbelief even though there was nobody in the room to hear me!
In my defence over the last year I have been extremely busy completing a Musical Theatre MA at Drama School, which was one of three goals of 'The Dream', an earlier post from February last year dedicated to three things I had dreamed of achieving in my career.
'I have tried to get into Drama School on three separate occasions and failed. Although there are many different routes to success as an actor, I can finally say that whether it is necessary or not, I want it. I want it, I need it and I believe that I deserve it.' (The Dream,2012)
A couple months after writing that post I auditioned for Drama school for the fourth time and this time I got in. I then embarked on a rollercoaster of a year, which tested my entire being emotionally and physically. The course completely took over my life and while I learnt a great deal, it left little time for genuine reflection, or for writing anything other than what the course required.
I find it very strange looking back at the above quote now. Whether I deserved to get into Drama School remains to be seen. Yes it was something I convinced myself that I needed and something that I believed I wanted. The reality however was not dreamlike at all but a struggle. I was lucky enough to make some amazing friends that I hope I will never lose, while learning lots about my craft. Yet the course created a doubt in my mind that questioned all of the dreams I had ever had since the age of five.
My MA project focussed on 'Fear and the actor' a notion which plagued my entire time on the course. Funnily enough during writing, I revisited my blog and found many posts which talked about fear. It became evident that although I thought that fear was a brand new challenge, it was one I had been facing for a while.
So, fearful but determined to attempt to fulfil my other dreams having completed my MA, I got an agent and now await the opportunity to audition. While working front of house and teaching in order to pay my rent, I look back at the remaining two goals from 'The Dream' and wonder how I am going to achieve them or if I even want to anymore:
a)To be a full time professional actress, performer and singer in theatre, TV & film etc.
b)To go to an accredited drama school.
c)To have a lead role in a musical in the West End.
Getting into Drama School took time, money and confidence. Something the other two dreams also require. A year on; I still have time - I am now a twenty-five year old masters graduate, yet I cannot help thinking that I still don’t have my foot in the door of any career path yet. Money - That all went on the course, hence why I am now spending my time watching others perform each night to earn a wage rather than peforming myself. Confidence - Unfortunately I am now not rich in this either. The course ironically sent me back leaps in this department. It has left me wondering if I even have what is required to be successful in this industry, which in turn has diluted my passion and enthusiasm to succeed in it.
With the universal knowledge that the major requirement to succeed in this business is Luck, my rational brain takes over and I am left trying to think of other dreams I might have that could provide more security or a better future:
d) Use my love of writing and turn my dairies from my teenage years into a book
e) To work as an assistant to a professional Casting Director/Agent (something I can hopefully achieve later in life after performing professionally)
There’s no reason why I cannot start reaching towards these dreams and still keep the previous ones alive, but unfortunately I believe that these new goals would be just as difficult to complete as the old ones.
I am once again stuck in a limbo land where I have so many possibilities and questions, that I cannot focus enough to get started on one. By working every night my part-time job slowly becomes a lifestyle, made worse by the fact that I am a much happier, confident person now that I am no longer at drama school! I am left wondering why I am not pro-actively seeking my dreams anymore.
Is that fact that I am comfortably living in a reality where I am not performing a sign that my old dreams are over, or am I now just too fearful to dream at all?
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Friday, 22 November 2013
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Voulez-vous coucher avec mois, ce soir?
Don't worry the above question is only proposed in order to make a point!
Whatever your immediate thoughts, remember them but now take the sentence and translate it into English. It turns from slightly sexy and alluring to provocatively immoral and shockingly forward. Why does this simple change of language incur such a different emotional response? Is it because we pretend we do not understand it? Or maybe just because we associate a french accent with impeccable style and effortless charm we just like to enjoy the way it sounds. I am trying to highlight the notion that certain attributes and ideas are perceived by humans as 'sexy'. Therefore sometimes the direct meaning is taken over by our subsconscious emotional understanding of it.
Take for example music, certain melodies and rhythms can be sexy themselves. Those with musical ability are often thought of as sexy. Whether it is a lead guitarist of a rock band a pop singer or the leading soprano in an opera. There is something about musical talent that is desired, appreciated, admired and therefore craved. This is all also echoed in the idea of power. This invisible force a human can take hold of is quite mesmerising when used correctly. Both mentally and physically, power can be very sexy. Angie Dickinson believes in this theory, 'No question - the more powerful men are, the more sexy they are.'
Intellectual expertise is another of these aspects, those who have a way with words and can articulate a perfect sentence as if it were poetry. People that can caress you with charm, whisper wit into your ear and cover your body in kisses of charisma. Many physical elements aside from the obvious biological ones have also become sexy by definition. Women with red lips, men wearing sunglasses, the smell of the pheromones in aftershave or perfume, a raised eyebrow followed by that indescribable glint in the eye that sends tingles down your spine. Some people manage to tick all these boxes, and I think there is a Greek proverb somewhere that says that these people were blessed twice!
The main qualities we find sexy are the those that are forbidden, secret, dangerous or controversial. We all know that smoking is insanely bad for our health and in the main, unattractive. However, many films show smoking in an sultry snapshot that captivates us beyond belief. Even the most simple idea of darkness. The way a full moon glows on a clear night, or how candlelight flickers in the wind creates a magical feeling of the mystical or the unknown and that is also sexy.
It is all once again subjective and completely down to the individual. What one person find sexy another may not. However, we do all enjoy discovering the certain universal traits that set off the sexy signal in our brains. The connection between most attributes that ooze sex appeal is confidence. This confidence is not necessarily known or created it's an innate, individual self-assurance that is transported through various means, and offers an glimpse of what our soul may look like at it's most attractive, with a bit of glamour thrown in. This can usually simply be achieved with a smile.
Many people including myself, claim that they find it very hard to be sexy. That is probably because they are trying! There are many people in the world who can effortlessly be sexy and get paid thousands of pounds to do so, but it is definitely considered an art form. Christian Bale observes that, 'trying too hard to be sexy is the worst thing in the world a woman can do' Well, looks like it will always be a tough act to perform correctly.
If in doubt, get some red lipstick or a leather jacket, add a cigarette and practice swishing your hair around a bit and you may just about pass the test!
Whatever your immediate thoughts, remember them but now take the sentence and translate it into English. It turns from slightly sexy and alluring to provocatively immoral and shockingly forward. Why does this simple change of language incur such a different emotional response? Is it because we pretend we do not understand it? Or maybe just because we associate a french accent with impeccable style and effortless charm we just like to enjoy the way it sounds. I am trying to highlight the notion that certain attributes and ideas are perceived by humans as 'sexy'. Therefore sometimes the direct meaning is taken over by our subsconscious emotional understanding of it.
Take for example music, certain melodies and rhythms can be sexy themselves. Those with musical ability are often thought of as sexy. Whether it is a lead guitarist of a rock band a pop singer or the leading soprano in an opera. There is something about musical talent that is desired, appreciated, admired and therefore craved. This is all also echoed in the idea of power. This invisible force a human can take hold of is quite mesmerising when used correctly. Both mentally and physically, power can be very sexy. Angie Dickinson believes in this theory, 'No question - the more powerful men are, the more sexy they are.'
Intellectual expertise is another of these aspects, those who have a way with words and can articulate a perfect sentence as if it were poetry. People that can caress you with charm, whisper wit into your ear and cover your body in kisses of charisma. Many physical elements aside from the obvious biological ones have also become sexy by definition. Women with red lips, men wearing sunglasses, the smell of the pheromones in aftershave or perfume, a raised eyebrow followed by that indescribable glint in the eye that sends tingles down your spine. Some people manage to tick all these boxes, and I think there is a Greek proverb somewhere that says that these people were blessed twice!
The main qualities we find sexy are the those that are forbidden, secret, dangerous or controversial. We all know that smoking is insanely bad for our health and in the main, unattractive. However, many films show smoking in an sultry snapshot that captivates us beyond belief. Even the most simple idea of darkness. The way a full moon glows on a clear night, or how candlelight flickers in the wind creates a magical feeling of the mystical or the unknown and that is also sexy.
It is all once again subjective and completely down to the individual. What one person find sexy another may not. However, we do all enjoy discovering the certain universal traits that set off the sexy signal in our brains. The connection between most attributes that ooze sex appeal is confidence. This confidence is not necessarily known or created it's an innate, individual self-assurance that is transported through various means, and offers an glimpse of what our soul may look like at it's most attractive, with a bit of glamour thrown in. This can usually simply be achieved with a smile.
Many people including myself, claim that they find it very hard to be sexy. That is probably because they are trying! There are many people in the world who can effortlessly be sexy and get paid thousands of pounds to do so, but it is definitely considered an art form. Christian Bale observes that, 'trying too hard to be sexy is the worst thing in the world a woman can do' Well, looks like it will always be a tough act to perform correctly.
If in doubt, get some red lipstick or a leather jacket, add a cigarette and practice swishing your hair around a bit and you may just about pass the test!
Thursday, 4 February 2010
I want the fire back....
I'm enraged with the words of Buffy The Musical in attempt to get back what I have lost. Yes that's right, it has got that bad.
On a serious note I do feel slightly....lost. As I said in a previous post, I don't seem to recognise myself. I'm constantly, questioning, checking, doubting, asking why? It's a natural thing I guess, when we are children we don't need to check anything because everything is decided for us, in the main you have clear boundaries, are told right from wrong, good and bad, given the correct path and so you follow it. Ironically though these rules can usually provoke all the wrong path decisions. The further problem then comes when adulthood arrives. So you make the normal adjustments, move away from home, create an appropriate but necessary distance from your parents and the worlds your oyster. Only what if you have no faith that you will find the pearl?
Of course each case is different. I know some people change childhood dreams about ten times and still end up doing something different. I have had one dream my entire life. That is now somehow part of the problem. Having one dream now seems rather naive. I guess the main rule is that everyday life is an act in itself. It was of course Shakespeare who famously said, 'the world is a stage and the people in it merely players.' Us performers must put on an act in every audition in order to make ourselves believe that we are the best, while also not seeming arrogant. I used to have that ability, or at least I believed I did. That's what it all comes down to in the end. Self belief. People always say no-one will love you if you don't love yourself. However, we as human begins are never able to provide ourselves with this self love as we see it as act of narcissism ,that we judge in other people as a self-obsessed trait. Someone reminded me today that this existence of self-doubt can lead to further paranoia that then overrides any logical thought. I had to agree with this. It showed me that in our butterfly minds we are constantly waiting for the next metamorphosis, forgetting that we have already completed so many, however small or insignificant we believe them to be. Nature must take its course before the next transformation can begin. Our self-doubt and negative thinking will only hinder this process.
A wise man recently told me that before an audition a good amount of nerves is always needed. He said that the aim is to not get rid of the butterflies in your stomach but just to assure that they fly in formation. This analogy can be applied to everything, the world sends us hiccups and obstacles every day,what we must do is refrain from creating more for ourselves which may upset the butterflies in flight.
On a serious note I do feel slightly....lost. As I said in a previous post, I don't seem to recognise myself. I'm constantly, questioning, checking, doubting, asking why? It's a natural thing I guess, when we are children we don't need to check anything because everything is decided for us, in the main you have clear boundaries, are told right from wrong, good and bad, given the correct path and so you follow it. Ironically though these rules can usually provoke all the wrong path decisions. The further problem then comes when adulthood arrives. So you make the normal adjustments, move away from home, create an appropriate but necessary distance from your parents and the worlds your oyster. Only what if you have no faith that you will find the pearl?
Of course each case is different. I know some people change childhood dreams about ten times and still end up doing something different. I have had one dream my entire life. That is now somehow part of the problem. Having one dream now seems rather naive. I guess the main rule is that everyday life is an act in itself. It was of course Shakespeare who famously said, 'the world is a stage and the people in it merely players.' Us performers must put on an act in every audition in order to make ourselves believe that we are the best, while also not seeming arrogant. I used to have that ability, or at least I believed I did. That's what it all comes down to in the end. Self belief. People always say no-one will love you if you don't love yourself. However, we as human begins are never able to provide ourselves with this self love as we see it as act of narcissism ,that we judge in other people as a self-obsessed trait. Someone reminded me today that this existence of self-doubt can lead to further paranoia that then overrides any logical thought. I had to agree with this. It showed me that in our butterfly minds we are constantly waiting for the next metamorphosis, forgetting that we have already completed so many, however small or insignificant we believe them to be. Nature must take its course before the next transformation can begin. Our self-doubt and negative thinking will only hinder this process.
A wise man recently told me that before an audition a good amount of nerves is always needed. He said that the aim is to not get rid of the butterflies in your stomach but just to assure that they fly in formation. This analogy can be applied to everything, the world sends us hiccups and obstacles every day,what we must do is refrain from creating more for ourselves which may upset the butterflies in flight.
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