I quit.

I'm done.
That's it.
It's over.
The end.
I quit.

How many times in our lives do we say these phrases?

We can attribute the above words to the really small mundane things in life, but also to the bigger picture.

After a hearty meal we announce we are finished, we cannot possibly cram in another bite. At the end of a workout when we are literally dripping with sweat and we can't put our bodies through any more pain so we yearn for the end to rest our aching muscles. When we call time on that relationship, because we can't have the same argument again. When finally we make the decision to give up on our dreams, because we can't bear the agony of reaching for them anymore.

Depending on the context, these phrases can mean different things. Therefore why does quitting always have a negative connotation?

We assume that when we have given up on something it means that we haven't had the strength to see it through to completion. We are only human and we can only endure so much. Of course our stamina is relative and dependant upon the lives we lead. Each one of us has our own set of goals and ideals we hope to achieve and live by. I just wonder, when is not reaching these goals ever universally acceptable?

We are taught from a young age to be competitive and to strive for our best; in education during our school years through academic achievement. In person through loving our neighbour and promoting the best in each other, and in life through reaching our own personal ambitions that we set for ourselves.

When we achieve something, we expect to endure hardship or difficulty on the road to that achievement. Otherwise the prize isn't worth having. We are led to believe we must always challenge ourselves to reach our full potential. But what if the challenge ultimately breaks us instead of making us? What if the race to the finish line kills our team spirit and makes us forget why we even started running? We watch others with their medals and our own glory is so far from grasp that just the thought of warming up for practice every day is exhausting. We feel ridiculous like we are being
sneered at for even taking part. We are unfulfilled and miserable, but we get out of bed every day and
soldier on because that's what we've signed up for. That's what we've told everyone we are doing so we have to keep doing it. But life isn't one long violin lesson that we started at 7 years old and our
parents are still paying for. We are adults now, we control what we pay for, financially and emotionally!

So the immediate answer is simple.
If it doesn't make you happy, change it.
Find a new race to run.
Start a new relationship.
Take up a new hobby.
Create a new dream.

The problem is by doing this we have to admit defeat and consciously accept our failure. We have to announce to the world and ourselves that we are in fact, giving up.

We tried our hardest, but we were beaten.

We couldn't reach end.
We didn't make it.
We failed.

Then after all our blood, sweat and tears has gone into the one thing we always believed in that we still couldn't make work, we have to start
 all
over
again.

Creating the new dream isn't even the hardest part.
The biggest challenge is having the strength to give up and admit defeat without blame or judgement.

We have to forgive ourselves for failing.
We have to let ourselves off the hook.
Then we can look back and say we achieved something.

Why I never liked Marmalade...

Do not worry I am not going to use this blog post to dissect the reasons for my distaste of certain toast toppings. It's more my realisation that while avoiding dark chocolate and never understanding the fashionable fascination of a gin and tonic, I have still managed to create a certain bitterness in my life.

Now this bitterness may not be one I can feel on my tastebuds but it certainly leaves a lingering aftertaste.

I am a struggling or 'resting' actress, living and working in the catastrophically expensive London Town. Two years out of my masters at Drama School, although I was fortunate to have the funds, the year cost me my entire inheritance and I have only one paid acting job on my CV to date. With my thirties on the not too distant horizon , I am living in a mouldy room in North London because it's cheap and barely making my rent with every bitty, freelance job I can find and possibly hold down for a few months. Knowing that there was once a time I had enough money for a down payment on a flat or a year travelling the world does create a certain sting. Yet these things were never a priority for me.

I made a choice. That choice I decided when I was a child, all I ever wanted to do was perform and all I ever wanted to be was a performer. I couldn't or wouldn't choose anything else. Now I'm no longer a child and again I have a choice:

Do I continue to attempt to make a living from performing? Knowing that for probably 10 or 11 months out of the year that will be me teaching children, selling popcorn or programmes and making just enough money to scrape by. Therefore not creating any sort of future or building a career of any kind, but safe in the belief that I'm following my dreams and that I'm not a quitter.

Or, do I decide that I need to stop treading water and actually get a real job that can give me stability, security and safety? Knowing that 'quitting' as I put it, giving up, changing my mind and picking something new is the most frightening thing in the world to do , when all you have wanted since the age of 5 is to be onstage.

The ultimate cliche is that acting is a hard business, it's the first thing that comes out of every strangers mouth when you say Its the career you have chosen. Yes we all know its hard, and there's a lot of rejection and it can take a really long time to make it etc, but we are supposed to believe in ourselves enough to put up with all of that negativity.

We go see shows and look at all the other actors with success and know we can do what they do, but so can 50 other people.  We create our own work and discover that someone else has already created practically the same thing. We go to open calls and see a Walking Dead queue of people who look exactly like we do and we wonder what makes us the exception. The industry is saturated and there is endless choice, so evidently most of us will miss out and after a while that begins to hurt.

I think I have finally discovered where my hurt comes from. They say you should only do what makes you happy. Performing makes me happy but living this limbo existence waiting around to perform really doesn't.

Actors go through these ups and downs very frequently some more than others, I have had these conversations with myself too many times to count and every time no matter the cons I couldn't justify giving up on my dream.

Is my bitterness now a justification for that? However baffling it may seem, is following my dream actually making me unhappy?

Maybe happiness and following your dream are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe I need to find a new dream.

I cannot say what the answers are right now but I hope I discover them soon.
Otherwise I should just take free marmalade on toast to my next audition, because no matter how
good an actress I am, there's no way the panel will miss the bitter aftertaste in my mouth.

Tinder: Yes or No?

I still find myself very confused and frustrated with online dating. I discussed the problems of this in a previous post in April last year:  Internet dating or Internet failing (http://obsessedkim-butterflymind.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/internet-dating-or-internet-failing.html)

More recently I find I am a particularly unsatisfied consumer when it comes to one specific app: Tinder.

Its description in the App Store, is very broad and general 'Tinder is the fun way to connect with new and interesting people around you' therefore not labelling itself as a dating app per se. The last line reads 'it's a new way to express yourself and share with friends' Again very non-committal but,  I don't remember choosing my 'friends' based on how they look.

For anyone who hasn't seen the delights that Tinder has to offer, you are given pictures of people in your area and swipe left for no and right for yes. If you both like each other then you are matched and can chat on the app. I believe this puts Tinder in the same bracket as dating websites like Plenty Of Fish and Okcupid as they also offer this feature, are free to join and you can message people as much as you like.

Other dating websites like Match.com and Eharmony, require payment to join and promote a more lengthily matching system; whereby the potential for finding long lasting relationships is believed to be greater, as the participants have put a financial investment into their dating life.

All dating websites have different stigmas and reputations. Some say Tinder is the heterosexual version of Grinder - a homosexual dating app especially designed to match people in their immediate location for sexual encounters. Therefore if this belief is true, Tinder would not be the best option for those wanting a relationship.

In my personal experience I have not found Tinder to provide a successful platform to strike up conversations of length. I find the layout of a website with messages promotes more conversation  than a chat stream which is more likely to provide one word responses. Therefore I think subconsciously I have never had the faith in Tinder to preserve long enough to actually meet someone. Yet, friends of mine have not had any trouble with Tinder and have managed to fill whole weekends meeting different guys for actual dates.

I wonder if there is something I am doing wrong. It is pretty binary out there in the Tinder dating world. After the usual, 'Where are you from?' 'What do you do?' questions are out the way, the next is usually, 'What are you here for?' 'Do you want some fun?'  Now I'm not suggesting that all men on tinder are only looking for sex, however from my experience it seems the general view of men in their mid twenties, is that they do not time for a girlfriend,or cannot be bothered with the actual dating game. Are we now so spoilt by the immediacy of internet dating that we are too lazy to even go on a date with a potential match?

One thing I do like about tinder is that it provides a way to be brutal and not apologise for it. If someone only wants sex they will say so and you can decline or accept their offer and there's no hard feelings. I have always preferred this 'rip off the plaster' approach when it comes to dating and Tinder is no exception.  Why waste time? There's plenty more fish in the sea, and they are all a swipe away... If they can be bothered to swim to you!

Becoming Jane

After just finishing 'Becoming Jane' the 2007 biographical film about the life of the great Jane Austen, I have suddenly had the inspiration to write. This coupled with the beginning of a new year and the heavily championed idea to make resolutions, I find myself upon my once neglected blog.

I have always enjoyed writing, mainly in a diary using the creation of my thoughts on paper as a form of therapy. After starting this blog during university, I ventured into a more formal writing style and covered various different topics, that either troubled or interested me. This inspiration however didn't last, and I found that even though I wanted to continue blogging I couldn't quite find my voice.

After writing a diary avidly from the age of 15 to 23, with the years since only containing perhaps a entry every few months; I have always known that a decent chuck of my life has been in a way heavily documented. It's contents mainly a stream of consciousness and therefore a very accurate portrayal of myself, just on paper. At times quite depressing and at others truly hilarious! In discussions amongst friends, family and the occasional stranger, I have frequently expressed my desire to turn these diaries into some form of novel.

While already attempting to make it as an actress, in one extremely difficult and subjective field; I have always left the idea of this other and similarly impossible creative desire, as something I will perhaps do 'one day'.

I'm not sure if my recent surge of inspiration will last long enough to attempt writing anything of substance, however if it reignites my blog with something fresh and a bit more continuous then I feel that can only be positive.

I have always loved period dramas, and after learning about Jane Austen I now want more than anything to live in a period drama myself. She was a young women forever determined to live by her pen and achieve female equality in literary terms. I believe that she certainly achieved this. Yet, she also desired a true experience of love, which she managed to find but only for a short while. The rolling credits unveiled that Jane herself never married. I am unsure what my feelings are towards this truth. She was able to achieve to one dream but not complete the other, but at least she dreamt.

Therefore, what I have learned Jane Austen is that:

One cannot assume to achieve everything they set out to, but one can certainly hope to.

Tired of exhaustion

I can't help feeling exhausted. With everything.

Rather a dramatic word for lacking in sleep I know but although I am tired, I use the word in a different way. I feel worn and battered most of the time in myself and in the effort of daily life. This begins as a frustration, usually with my career choice and love life or lack there of, and departs leaving behind a great heaviness.

It's the insistence of stitching the frayed seam of a favourite dress, that should have been thrown out years ago, before you leave the house only for the strap to break a few hours later. A minor mishap but exhausting just the same. A waste of seconds however small.

This feeling isn't quite as constant and depressing as it sounds it can be quite dulled at times too. Yet it is clever. It tricks you by pretending it's disappeared, hiding behind laughter and teasing you with little hopes of the future.

Inevitably the future remains an unknown entity. When the hopes fail to materialise into something tangible, the exhaustion returns this time in an ache, that always resides in your muscles which feel heavy and overused. Something that is always strange when you haven't particularly overworked them with unusual exercise.

You feel ancient when only at the quarter of your century. Frustrated with this exhaustion, mentally slapping yourself in the face knowing how good you actually do have it and while you are bemoaning the demise of an insignificant H&M dress, the children working in the sweatshop that made it are struggling to stay alive each day.

You notice the sun setting and it's beautiful and you wonder why you feel so full of effort.
Conversation is a hurdle and even the plans you have dared to look forward to become a struggle in their execution. Cancellations are met with relief,  because your gut instinct told you the original event would only have been arduous.

Surely the response to this exhaustion would be to just give up trying. Ignore any attempt to engineer, plan, create or fix. Allow the universe to decide what happens next and avoid any desire to manage it.

Why does that notion seem impossible? Probably because in the frustration of exhaustion there is still a small desire buried in the muscle ache. A minute fragment of hope that all the effort, sweat and tears that have past escaped, will one day amount to something that will be effortless.

A peaceful slumber that can envelop the exhaustion and reward it with a good nights rest. I guess that's why true dreams occur when we are asleep. No effort is required for them.

Internet dating or Internet failing?

It's 2014 and gone are the days of courting and romantic letter writing. Now whatsapping, social media stalking and snapchat are the introduction to any potential love interest. If you haven't liked their photo on Facebook, tweeted them or found them on a dating website then it seems you cannot expect true love!

I myself have been trying out a few dating websites over the past few years as have many people I know. In fact internet dating popularity spans various ages and experiences; divorcees looking for new love, youngsters looking for fun or even women searching for 'the one' they are all there.

The days of meeting somebody on a night out are old hat, they are usually fuelled by alcohol and the relationship rarely leads to anything more serious as the promised text of the next day almost never arrives. What about meeting someone through a friend or at work? That can happen but now our lives are so rushed and crammed full, that trying to squeeze in another person takes time and effort and sometimes more change to your daily routine than you expected.

For some reason internet dating seems more appealing, it's less committal, you check your page at the end of the night and reply to a few messages. There's an instant ego boost - somebody out there finds me attractive - whether you like them or not is irrelevant you can now go to bed slightly more fulfilled than you were when you woke up. A pattern is now formed and that repeats but you don't seem to notice.

You may go on a few dates from these websites, but in my experience you rarely get to date number 2. Each app's own feature where you can scroll left or right over each face is addictive and creates brand new boxes that each prospect needs to tick. You become paranoid that you are fussy when you don't find somebody attractive, as you insist that you want compatibility and chemistry, but then beat yourself up when a guy who seemed interested suddenly stops replying.

It's instant gratification at its best. Instant communication; instant ego boost, instant flirtation, instant feeling and therefore instant disappointment and instant heartache. Everything is at the swipe of your keypad and the click of your camera. More often than not you are invested in a person before even actually meeting them!

The immediate feature of everything the internet has to offer is actually the cause of more stress and upset than help in the dating game. Before mobile phones you made a date and stuck to it and didn't really speak in between. Now there are days of texting involved and hours of waiting as you see that they last read your text 4 hours before! Facebook says they are online and they are ignoring you, they tweeted an hour ago but didn't reply to yours, its brain ache!

Drew Barrymore's line from the film He's just not that into you makes this exact point,

"I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, and so I called him at home, and he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

Now 5 years on instead of learning from this, the problem is even worse. A new website Hetexted.com is a relationship advice platform where women can upload pictures of text conversations they had with men and seek advice on why they haven't responded or what their text actually means. The value of a single text is now likened to that of an actual date it requires so much analysing afterwards! Internet dating is fashionable and social media is the norm and both become so easy and accessible you forget what your main focus was at the start of it all - to find someone who wants a relationship and hopefully fall in love.

In our attempt to search for this we have made it more complex and ultimately more stressful. It's easy to say don't look for it and it will find you, but unfortunately that is not the case anymore. Everyone is looking for it and it seems what they are finding is instant and exciting but not altogether that incredible or everlasting.

Wow?! ('The Dream' - a year on)

‘Wow?!’ Is the response I gave when realising that the last time I wrote a blog post was practically to the day an entire year ago! I followed this with 'How is that possible?' and yes this was an outspoken disbelief even though there was nobody in the room to hear me!

In my defence over the last year I have been extremely busy completing a Musical Theatre MA at Drama School, which was one of three goals of 'The Dream', an earlier post from February last year dedicated to three things I had dreamed of achieving in my career.

'I have tried to get into Drama School on three separate occasions and failed. Although there are many different routes to success as an actor, I can finally say that whether it is necessary or not, I want it. I want it, I need it and I believe that I deserve it.' (The Dream,2012)

A couple months after writing that post I auditioned for Drama school for the fourth time and this time I got in. I then embarked on a rollercoaster of a year, which tested my entire being emotionally and physically. The course completely took over my life and while I learnt a great deal, it left little time for genuine reflection, or for writing anything other than what the course required.

I find it very strange looking back at the above quote now. Whether I deserved to get into Drama School remains to be seen. Yes it was something I convinced myself that I needed and something that I believed I wanted. The reality however was not dreamlike at all but a struggle. I was lucky enough to make some amazing friends that I hope I will never lose, while learning lots about my craft. Yet the course created a doubt in my mind that questioned all of the dreams I had ever had since the age of five.

My MA project focussed on 'Fear and the actor' a notion which plagued my entire time on the course. Funnily enough during writing, I revisited my blog and found many posts which talked about fear. It became evident that although I thought that fear was a brand new challenge, it was one I had been facing for a while.

So, fearful but determined to attempt to fulfil my other dreams having completed my MA, I got an agent and now await the opportunity to audition. While working front of house and teaching in order to pay my rent, I look back at the remaining two goals from 'The Dream' and wonder how I am going to achieve them or if I even want to anymore:

a)To be a full time professional actress, performer and singer in theatre, TV & film etc.
b)To go to an accredited drama school.
c)To have a lead role in a musical in the West End.

Getting into Drama School took time, money and confidence. Something the other two dreams also require. A year on; I still have time - I am now a twenty-five year old masters graduate, yet I cannot help thinking that I still don’t have my foot in the door of any career path yet. Money - That all went on the course, hence why I am now spending my time watching others perform each night to earn a wage rather than peforming myself. Confidence - Unfortunately I am now not rich in this either. The course ironically sent me back leaps in this department. It has left me wondering if I even have what is required to be successful in this industry, which in turn has diluted my passion and enthusiasm to succeed in it.

With the universal knowledge that the major requirement to succeed in this business is Luck, my rational brain takes over and I am left trying to think of other dreams I might have that could provide more security or a better future:

d) Use my love of writing and turn my dairies from my teenage years into a book
e) To work as an assistant to a professional Casting Director/Agent (something I can hopefully achieve later in life after performing professionally)

There’s no reason why I cannot start reaching towards these dreams and still keep the previous ones alive, but unfortunately I believe that these new goals would be just as difficult to complete as the old ones.

I am once again stuck in a limbo land where I have so many possibilities and questions, that I cannot focus enough to get started on one. By working every night my part-time job slowly becomes a lifestyle, made worse by the fact that I am a much happier, confident person now that I am no longer at drama school! I am left wondering why I am not pro-actively seeking my dreams anymore.

Is that fact that I am comfortably living in a reality where I am not performing a sign that my old dreams are over, or am I now just too fearful to dream at all?

Starting a Revolution - Max Milner & Robbie White

Following his success on The Voice, singer-songwriter Max Milner has moved onto much bigger things, namely his first tour Army of Me, taken from the title of his new track. It says that 'You can start a revolution just by raising your voice' and is the perfect anthem for his ever-growing fans and twitter #friends. This fan base, originally supporting his band Meanwhile in Tinseltown is now set to follow Max wherever he will go next.

Opening night of the tour at 02 Academy Islington was a truly spectacular show of musicianship. Max's best friend and previous band mate Robbie White, supported him with various instruments and harmonies, and showed that this duo are a force to be reckoned with!

A circle of hardcore fans surrounded the stage to gaze at max's heart-breaking smile, and of course sing back every word of his songs. The look on the boys’ faces at this spectacle was truly humbling. It is obvious that it's all about the music for them. Falling between serious musicians and a comedic double-act these boys are natural born entertainers. Max had some slapstick moments across the evening, turning 'aggie' on a cymbal in 'Harvesting Heart' and then forgetting that it was actually his job half way through the song! This of course only endeared him to the crowd more. While Robbie's sheer multi-tasking abilities were also proved in this song, having all of his limbs playing at the same time.

Max and Robbie's song-writing skills truly excelled, completely engaging the room for a entire set, even with a large number of new originals. They taught us a call and response for the chorus of 'Wrecking Ball' that had everyone screaming that its 'Just round one'. Affirming that this is only the beginning for these boys. In addition to revolutionary sprit, there was also a theme in the songs of relationships and young love. Max proudly listed his girlfriend as a muse for many songs including 'Lie a little more' and 'She said it first' and had no qualms about sexily serenading her from the stage. This of course made every other girl in the room melt, as she stood beaming from ear to ear! A catchy track The One Will Wait For You, shows a positive spin on a long distance relationship 'you're the little spoon in our duvet cocoon'. Which is possibly one of my fvourite lyrics of theirs, second to 'As argument is born our relationship is dying' from Sex Sheets which cleverly tells the story of guy discovering his girlfriend is a cheat.

After the show Max and Robbie signed autographs and took photos with fans like true rock stars, being ever loyal to their supporters. They also rejoiced with their proud loves ones and family who all sported Max Milner t-shirts, which really showed how much support these two very talented boys have. I am so happy to have seen one of these early gigs and cannot wait for the next chapter in their battle to dominate the world with their very own music revolution!

To get taster of the Army Of Me Tour watch this fan video http://youtu.be/KPIJ_yynGRk

Max Milner has a EP lined up for 2013 and is eager to know which 5 tracks people most want on it. You can make your suggestions on twitter @maxmilner7 or on facebook -http://www.facebook.com/#!/maxmilnermusic?fref=ts

New tour dates for 2013 If you get a chance to see them live, I tell you now - TAKE IT! http://industrymusicgroup.co.uk/music-news/max-milner-live-2013

Fifty Shades of Opinions

Everyone else has an opinion on the 'Fifty Shades Trilogy’ by E.L. James so I thought it was time for mine.

According to Zoe Williams from theguardian.co.uk 'It's the fastest selling adult novel of all time.' This obviously shows the type of fiction the masses of the 21st Century want to read, albeit mainly women. It’s even a source of relaxation for the Olympians! Alicia Coutts Australian swimmer says in The Herald Sun 'Most of the swimming girls are reading Fifty Shades of Grey. We’re all talking about it.' However the majority of the reviews have been quite negative and dismissive. The books have been universally labelled as 'Mummy Porn' tying in with the creation of 'TwiMoms' from the 'Twilight Saga' of Stephanie Meyer. Which incidentally, the fifty shades books originated from in fan-fiction form.

You can see that the plot of this trilogy does loosely follow that of the saga, minus the vampires and in the place of abstinence, Fifty Shades of course has S&M. Set in Seattle; it follows Anastasia Steel a university student who covers for her room-mate last minute to interview Christian Grey a gorgeous business mogul. Evidently a romance ensues, and it depicts Christian as the unbelievably rich sadist with the dark past and Ana as the virgin student who is clumsy with low self-esteem (remind you of anyone... *cough* Bella)

Escapeintolife.com finds her character lacking 'First of all, Ana manages to graduate college without ever being drunk, ever having sex, and without owning a laptop.' Personally I think there are other ways to criticise the characters as owing to personality and financial means, all of the above could actually be possible. As the recent Channel 4 documentary highlighted, Ana has sex on a very regular basis and never seems to contract cystitis! We can also allow that she is aroused frequently given that Christian is supposed to be an Adonis; however the books suggest that she can orgasm on cue, repeatedly! A feat most women would admit is not altogether realistic!

When it comes to Christian I am less affronted by his bedroom habits and more by his traits as a boyfriend. The perks of his wealth may be that Ana has access to every technical gadget on the market, but that also means that he is always aware of her whereabouts and practically stalks her to ensure her safety. Irrelevant of his looks, I have to hope that most young women of today wouldn’t desire this trait in a boyfriend.

The negative hype circling these books refers not only to the implausible storyline but also the repetitive language used. 'if you drink every time the author uses “wicked grin” and “flushed crimson” you will be blackout-drunk by Chapter 4' escapeintolife.com. I am still a firm champion of the book, as it has made me laugh out loud on several occasions with witty humour and I find I can relate to the character of Ana. However, I must admit that even I am now getting a tad bored with the reoccurrence of themes and sentence structure. I mean, how many times can you read about a body shattering orgasm? 'I shatter once more, pulsing around him' Ana Steele.

However there are some reviewers that have tried so hard to dislike the books that they have moved past exaggeration and hurled straight into the ridiculous! Physiologist Carole Sawo in The Daily Mail has labelled the book as 'glorified sex abuse', She goes on to say that young fans will 'learn of the many faces of sickness only when it's their own blood on the bedroom carpet' Furthermore, she proudly admits 'I haven’t read the book and never will' Why should we even listen to your opinion then? I was outraged at the Daily Mail for even printing it! (I hope she publishes a book one day so I can slate it without reading it.)

I believe that these books, like Twilight are a fantasy. They provide some light relief from the daily grind. Well, for those that aren’t opposed to reading about BDSM, spanking and butt plugs (all consensual of course). I honestly can't see what people are getting so hot and bothered about. It’s not real-life it’s a fantasy and Christian doesn’t force Ana into anything. Throughout the book each character has a choice and now you have one too. You could be like our friend Carole Sawo and read the reviews and decide, or actually read the books and make up your own mind.

Either way always remember the famous quote; (I havent a clue who said it as I have only heard it from my Dad!)

'Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks.'

I'm sure E.L James is laughing her way to the bank and doesn’t care either way!

Meanwhile In Tinseltown

That is the name of the exhilarating new band fronted by The Voice UK semi-finalist Max Milner with Robbie White, Carly Meyers, Andy Blowers and Adrian Lee Stokes. They describe themselves as 'an upcoming, fresh and exciting band formed by four friends. Eloquent and witty lyrics mixed with beautifully written music, air tight harmonies and a host of inspirations help create this incredible talent.' Having had the pleasure of seeing them perform live last Sunday at Nambucca, Holloway Road, I can assure you that this band is all that and more.

Presenting a vast list of original songs, along with several personalised cover tracks, this band is modern, modest and unbelievably talented. Their songs include themes of heart-break, love and adultery, ‘as an argument is born our relationship is dying’. Yet also texting and Iphones! ‘if your messages sin lots, put a pin on your inbox’ Sex Sheets. Though not always for the faint-hearted, their lyrics manage to deliver the bitterness of betrayal in a topical and humorous way accessible to all audiences! ‘So I'm'a need to get my CDs back and get my life back on track, my shit goes where I want it now that you're no longer in my flat and that'll teach me, to stick my dick in crazy’ The Cute Song.

Multi-talented is an understatement for Robbie White, as he plays percussion, guitar, piano and also sings backing! Max Milner’s gravely smooth tone is beyond sexy which is complimented beautifully by Carly Meyers harmonising. This musicianship proves that there is not one average track amongst their playlist of beautiful ballads and fast-paced patter songs, which are perfect for summer! ‘I'm not saying I can't believe this, we just needed someone to dream with. Wish you could see this, jamming on the rooftops!’ Jamming on the rooftops.

With over 3000 twitter followers, including dozens of fan accounts this currently unsigned band have accumulated a distinct group of supporters labelling themselves #townies. Max Milner has his own loyal group of ever-loving #friends and all members of the band are in turn forever devoted and lovely to every fan among them. Signing autographs and posing for pictures with all who asked, they made alot of girls very happy on Sunday night.

A confirmed #friend and #townie for life, I need no convincing that Meanwhile in Tinseltown are ready to fly high into the music scene. With that I am still safe and happy in the knowledge that this humble band, when very famous and successful, will still be ever lovely and dedicated to all their fans and followers.

To see if you agree, check them out here - http://www.youtube.com/user/MITinseltown

Or follow them on twitter @M_I_Tinseltown

You can even see Max Milner and Meanwhile In Tinseltown live at Hampton Court Palace Festival on 18th June - http://www.hamptoncourtpalacefestival.com.

#friendsforever

Star-struck

Star-struck is defined as 'captivated by famous people or by fame itself.'

In the last week I have seen two tv stars during my daily life. One from a moderately famous TV show just on the tube and the other a current reality TV star walking down my high street and it got me thinking about the idea of feeling 'star-struck'.

Now living in London, you can expect to see famous people from time to time and obviously your level of 'captivation' would depend or whether you happen to be a fan of the celebrity in the first place. Then again, just the idea of meeting somebody famous can be thrilling.

If we call ourselves a 'fan' of a certain celebrities work, talents or looks, we can often become obsessed to learn everything possible about them. We feel like we already know these people, even though we have never met them. Of course we dont really know 'them', but we feel as if we do. The definiton of star-struck remains therefore, whether we meet them or not. If we are captivated by them already, why is it a big deal to meet them in person?

It is a big deal, because we expect only to see celebrities on our tv screens, or in a glamorous environment created purely for our voyueristic pleasure. All with the 'You can look but you can't touch' clause in small writing. Therefore, by bumping into somebody famous in our daily lives, there is something ellict and illegal about the situation that makes us feel extra privledged and special. (Never mind the simple fact that famous people are still humans beings, they just lead different lives to the rest of us!)

I think we can become star-struck in these situations because we are experiencing something we wouldnt normally get to. Most of us don't get to experience fame, so we desire to. Most of us don't get to meet famous people, so if we happen to get a chance to do so, we grab it with both hands. This is because it makes us feel priviledged and special, just like the celebrities we admire so much.

The Dream

a)To be a full time professional actress, performer
and singer in theatre, TV & film etc.
b)To go to an accredited drama school.
c)To have a lead role in a musical in the West End.

So now you are all up to speed with my dreams.
All humans have dreams. As children we are all told to believe in ourselves, and are nurtured as we go through a journey of ideas of what we would most like to be when we grow up. However, once we are 'grown up' there comes a time where we have to re-evaluate and wonder if our aspirations are at all achievable.

In life there are the forever dreamers, who will do whatever it takes to achieve their dreams. These are the ones who never stop dreaming. Then, there are the people who weigh up the pros and cons and eventually decide that they have come to the end of their aspirational road for one reason or another.

I find that I am often both of these people. In order to fulfil my dream, I have to be super confident that I will achieve it. I have to make a lifestyle choice. A choice to be forever uncertain, unknown and temporary. To allow my life to be determined by luck, being in the right place at the right time and the subjectivity of others. To fear that if i cannot achieve my dream, there is not another one that I would wish for. To fear that I may attempt it for too long and then be stuck for a career late in life. To fear that it may not be possible.

The three dreams listed at the top of the page are in no particular order. All are of great difficulty to obtain and I want them all. I have been attempting a) for just over a year now since leaving university and even though I have tried to remove the stigma that b) is absolutely necessary to achieve my dream, it still remains on the list. Like most people I find failure very difficult, (not so good if you are an actress.)I have tried to get into Drama School on three separate occasions and failed. Although there are many different routes to success as an actor, I can finally say that whether it is necessary or not, I want it. I want it, I need it and I believe that I deserve it.

That has taken me a while to realise again. I tried to tell myself that I didn't want it anymore, probably because it was difficult to achieve. Guess we cannot run from our dreams. Now that is out in the open, I guess I have to become a forever dreamer. I have to work extremely hard to achieve my dreams, and believe me there are many more of a similar nature to be added to the list!

For now real life is dreaming. We have to believe that there can be no reality where our dreams are not possible.

Easier to do it wrong.

So lately I have noticed how we often knowingly do the wrong thing. Mainly because it is what we prefer. The wrong thing can often be the most instantly gratifying option. Sometimes by doing the wrong thing we are breaking a rule and so feel reckless and this can be fun, or maybe it is simply because doing the right thing is so damn hard most of the time.

From the beginning we are always taught to do the right thing. Our education at school is a combination of many years and exams where we must get the right answer in order to gain the right result. However, as we get older we see that in life there can be grey areas. What if there are two right answers? What if what we think is right, is actually wrong?

So many questions. Which is why we ask others for guidance when we are in a quandary. Still knowing all the while that we are going to do the wrong thing anyway! Is it the thrill of being bad? Or maybe its because we feel too weak to make the right choice?

For me, I am always out of luck. As a very indecisive person making any decision is difficult. So when my head or heart eventually leans toward any side, I have to go with it or I'll remain in limbo forever.

I guess whether the right or wrong thing is easier, either path will provide a journey for further options for bad decisions, wrong turns and mistakes. Without these we wouldn't learn and grow as people. We just have to remember that while doing the wrong thing may be easy and fun, it can also sometimes hurt people, including ourselves.

Am I lazy or just scared?

Can laziness sometimes be confused with fear? This theory was suggested to me a few weeks ago and I still am not sure I agree with it. The idea is that often while our behaviour may look like sheer laziness, our lack of enthusiasm could simply be a fear of the task at hand. Obviously I am not suggesting that some of us may be completely terrorised by the idea of doing the washing up, or that all teenagers who avoid tidying their room actually suffer from a crippling fright of cleanliness. No. This notion runs a little deeper.

I have been out of education in the 'real world' for just over a year now, keeping up various part-time jobs while in search of acting work. After a stint in a musical and a fringe play, I managed to find an agent and felt like I was finally getting somewhere. However,for a mainly out-of-work actor, supposedly riddled with determination, I have become so lazy!

I am plodding along this motorway of reality while teaching children performing arts, stopping off at the services infrequently for a dose of 'The Dream' and then back I go to the slow lane, this time laden with lactose-intolerance issues. I reach the next exit not as a professional performer sporting excited jazz hands, but as a 23 year old actress who goes to bed with a microwavable warmie in the shape of a Babushka doll!

I have become a sucker for instant gratification. It is so much easier to gain happiness in amongst the reality, by going to the cinema with your mates, snuggling up to your gorgeous boyfriend, watching your favourite band play. 'The Dream' however requires a lot more time and effort. So the answer (apparently) is not laziness but fear? Granted, by nature I am not a lazy person, however recently I seem to have got much better at sleeping in, spending the whole day on my laptop surfing rubbish, and coming up with reasons not to do things.

For the last 6 months I have told myself every week to:

1. Go to some dance classes -
I tried everything local, including Zumba which while it is great exercise, a background knowledge in the subject isn't required when auditioning in the West End. I looked at most options that would avoid travel and cost, all the while knowing that Pineapple was where I needed to be. Laziness or fear?

2. Practice singing daily (Yes even if its loud!) -
I would try for about 10 minutes in the shower, not warming up properly, and then trail off. In recent singing lessons the task has been 'belting' aka: shouting on a tune, to the neighbours this would be translated as - a cat being strangled slowly. Funny how I don't wish that to be what springs to mind when I sing. Laziness or fear?

I think it could be either. The reason I am more torn towards laziness is because in the grand scheme of things neither of these two tasks are that difficult to carry out. What I really need is a verbal kick up the backside. Which funnily enough I get quite often from the people most important to me...

Actually what I really need is to perform again. When I say perform I mean really perform. Get stuck into a real role or script or perform some great musical theatre songs in a concert or show. Indulge in what I do best.
How do I do that? Stop being lazy and practice!

That means, conquer your fear of not really being a dancer and join Pineapple and focus on the joy of belting that big note in your favourite song and forget about your neighbours, who are way to busy to care what you sound like anyway.
Hmm, maybe it was fear afterall.

Mother Monster at her Monster Ball

I just wanted to dedicate a post to the most iconic and most talked about woman in music today, whose picture currently covers most of my bedroom wall space. Lady Gaga, Mother Monster, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (her real name) are a few of the titles this revolutionary performer is known by.

After a world famous first album ‘The Fame’ and a sellout Monster Ball Tour, Gaga has just released her highly anticipated second album ‘Born This Way’. Before its release Gaga made four tracks available to download to tease her fans. She headlined Radio 1s Live Weekend and HBO’s recording of her Monster Ball tour Live in Madison Square Garden has been repeated all over Sky Telvision over the last few weeks.

I have just been watching the recording, from her black and white backstage documentary sections to the bright lights of the stage. Gaga is a born performer. This show is the last of five in her home town and you can see it means the world to her. While in makeup she cannot hold back the tears, as after hearing the screams of the sold out arena she still, deep down feels like a loser and wants to be a winner for all her fans.

Gaga sends out two main messages with the Monster Ball: 1 – It will be a night to party hard and 2 – It will be a place where everyone; irrelevant of race, colour, gender, sexual or fashion preference, will be accepted.

The show is a mix of Gaga’s fantastic costume changes, weird set changes, imaginative props and instruments and amazing live musicians. We can all see that Gaga is a phenomenal front woman with her Andy Warhol yellow hair and bare bum cheeks. She has dared to be different with her thoroughly entertaining, theatrical show, with freakish costumes and wild backing dancers. In addition to all this glitter and epic chaos, there are moments to hear her fanatically raw, powerful pop voice, and watch a superbly talented songwriter sit at her piano, and do what she does best.

When Gaga constantly address’s her fans as ‘Monsters’, we see that she lives and breathes for the music and for them. She is very loud and very crude but screaming with pride that she beat all the negativity and came out on top. Her anecdotes of always dreaming of headling Madison Square Garden are heartfelt and powerful. She wants to instill her new found confidence into her fans and inspire them to be great.
In her minimal clothes and bare skin she has made it. She is one of a kind and was born that way.

Go Mother Monster!
PUT YOUR PAWS UP!

Sienna and Sheridan= Two Talented Sweethearts

I was lucky enough to attend a Masterclass on Thursday with Sienna Miller and Sheridan Smith at the Theatre Royal Haymarket, discussing their current roles in Flare Path by Terrance Rattigan. I had not seen the play, neither had my friend who joined me, however this did not detract at all from the pleasure of the afternoon. (We are now looking for cheap last minute tickets before the run ends in 4 weeks!

Matt Wolf, all round theatre critic, author and university lecturer interviewed the ladies about the play and then opened up the conversation to the packed stalls of the theatre. These included a mix of aspiring actors, theatre fanatics and personal twitter fans of the two actresses. All were thoroughly entertained by these two remarkable young women who claimed to be shocked that they were giving a ‘masterclass’, because they didn’t feel they had enough knowledge or experience to coach others.

Sheridan has a hugely successful Televison career and an Olivier for Legally Blonde to boot, yet she constantly maintained that she ‘blags it’ and is always scared her unorthodox technique might be discovered! While Sienna Miller who has a thriving film career and two other theatre credits under her belt, claimed that she does not have the bold confidence she once had when she first set out as an actress.

While being unbelievable modest, these two ladies could not hide their inner nerves at being confronted with an audience and no character to play. They acted like giggling school friends, holding hands and sharing secrets and it was marvellous to watch. Both answered the audience’s questions with ease and gave genuine advice from their experiences. As an aspiring actress myself, it was truly rewarding to see that these two talented actresses were, by their own admission; very lucky and often in the right place at the right time, but also friendly, approachable and completely humble about their own success.

Although surprising, it was comforting to realise that all people famous or not, have insecurities, times of doubt and often need reassurance of their brilliance. It is easy to watch an actor play a character on stage or in a film and forget that they are real people who lead normal lives. (well, maybe not normal!)
Even though, both women dealt with the task at hand and their nerves quite differently; (Sienna played with her gorgeous hair frivolously as she talked and Sheridan had to pop to the toilet in the middle of the session!) they both excelled in the moment and without realising it, provided much entertainment and inspiration to all.

I can only hope that their success continues and that I get that chance to work with these talented ladies when I am in the right place at the right time. They may have both had bad reviews in the past, but they get five stars from me


The Masterclasses ‘offer free talks and workshops with leading professionals, to anyone aged 17-30.’ Sign up here: http://www.masterclass.org.uk/index.php

A Fairytale Wedding

Congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the future King and Queen of England, who have tied the knot in a public ceremony for the whole world to witness.

Many of us are proud to celebrate in style, drinking, partying in the streets and celebrating young love and also a day off work! While, others have tired of the constant coverage and frenzy of the media in the lead up to this day. Prior to this morning, I was neither a flag bearing Briton or a Royal-Hater. While I was intrigued to see the coveted dress, I did feel that some parts of the public preparation had gilded the lily a tad!

However, after watching the Ceremony on television this morning I could not help but shed a tear after witnessing the vision that was Catherine Middleton in her stunning lace Alexander McQueen creation. While, Prince William and Prince Harry looked dashing in their uniforms and beaming all the way through. The entire nation were mesmerised by the Royal romance on display that showed tradition and heritage with a modern twist for 2011.

I feel we must remember that aside from the media and crowds in their thousands, at the heart of this day are a simply a young couple who are very much in love. It was the subtleties and the detail of the day which captured my heart and highlighted how while they may one day be King and Queen, Wills and Kate are still just two people who have chosen, like many others, to declare their love to one and another.

The live coverage highlighted the detail showing Prince Harry as best man, whispering to his brother that Catherine looked gorgeous as she walked up the aisle. Prince William's beaming grin as he caught his first glimpse of her. Then at that romantic balcony scene, where we could see William himself suggesting a second kiss, undoubtedly showing the pride for his new bride. The defining moment was of course that fantastically cheeky Aston martin ride out of Buckingham Palace, showing how amazing and ultimately how normal they really are.

From the moment they emerged as a married couple today, they resembled a modern day Prince and Princess like those from a child's fictional story. Many girls would liken the carriadge to that of Cinderella's. These stories are alive in the dreams of many young girls in the world at one point or another. While not every girl may dream of marring a Prince, or even dream of their wedding day (myself included!) every girl does hope to meet the love of their life and be with them forever. Just as Catherine has done today.

While I am a romantic, I have never been over girly or keen about weddings. I know many girls who have planned their wedding years before even meeting the groom! While I have enjoyed attending weddings as a guest I have not spent my life wondering what dress I will wear and what vows I will say. In fact I have never been certain that I would marry at all. The Royal Wedding today has been a joy to watch and while it has not changed my outlook on marriage completely, it has given me some much needed blog inspiration! Mainly it has highlighted why so many of us desire that perfect day and the chance to have...

...A Fairytale Wedding.

Rehearsals can be fun!

After spending my life conducting in various rehearsals for shows, concerts, musicals etc, I have always found them to be tiresome, stressful and frustrating. After weeks of late night perfecting and preening, there is usually a negative atmosphere surrounding the actors by the time the performances arrive. This is either because they are overworked, bored or tired of being blamed for others mistakes. Then of course the shows start and everyone enjoys performing so much that they are all friends again and cannot remember why they were so frustrated a few hours earlier. The run ends and all the actors get a serious case of the after-show blues and cannot wait to begin another rehearsal process. Oh the pains of the theatre darling!

Recently I have been forced to change my bitter view of rehearsals. I have just began working on the 40th Anniversary Production of Godspell with All Star Productions at Ye Old Rose & Crown Pub in Walthamstow. Now after just five rehearsals I am so inspired that on my nights off I am still revising the material and enjoying it! (This may just mean that my work ethic has improved) However, I believe that the exceptionally talented and creative cast and crew are the contributing factor. We are all a complete mix of eccentric actors form a variety of backgrounds and countries that have been thrown together and along with the hilarious warm -up games, musical innuendos and various tom foolery that occurs we have already produced some serious creativity.

I would just like to say we create one awesome rehearsal. So I can therefore only assume that the performances are going to be something of the divine and I would not want you to miss them.

Godspell is a musical based upon the Gospel according to St Mathew with an amazing rock/gospel score written by Stephen Schwartz. With a modern twist this show can delight audiences of all ages, backgrounds, religious preferences and musical tastes.

So please come and see our Production at Ye Old Rose & Crown Pub from 8th March - 1st April.
To book tickets visit - www.allstarproductions.co.uk
Or come say Hi on Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=153666064681051

Too happy?

Lately I have been contemplating the notion that we can sometimes be too happy. I know initially that idea sounds inconceivable, as surely happiness is something we always crave for and wish to have in our lives. Yet, by placing the 'too' in front of the word it suggests that there is an excess of this feeling. The idea that we have overdosed in something so positive does not seem possible.

The phrase 'Too happy' could also suggest an idea that the happiness feels too good to be true. The hint of excess is still there, however the fear it may not be there forever is also implied.

In life we sometimes have to take a chance and put our faith in other people. This is a frightening concept as we then become vulnerable. While it is cynical to consider that all humans are capable of deception, we are always taught to look for out for our own best interests. While happy, we can't help but wonder if one day the bliss we are enveloped in will change, or cease to exist completely.

It could be considered foolish to analyse our happiness. Some might say that humans can never be truly happy as they are always second guessing, sensing foul play or waiting to for it to disappear completely. These people are not enjoying the present while in fear for the future. They want to have more control. However, while they are controlling an excess of happiness they may also be preventing any happiness at all.

Therefore I choose to eliminate the 'too' and stay with just 'happy'. Why should I waste precious moments of a feeling that could remain? Though there is a possibility it could one day be gone, I will always have the memory of when it came to visit :)

Do the best artists have tortured souls?

Following a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago, I considered the question, 'Do the best artists have tortured souls?'

I have been writing a diary since I was sixteen and the frequency of my entries range from daily to monthly depending on the content of my life. I then created this blog in a moment of confusion and emptiness. There was a space in my life and writing initially filled that void and gave me a new focus. I wrote frequently at the start, then sporadically and now almost rarely. Is this because the void has filled a little? I like to think so.

I mainly write about things that trouble, confuse or anger me. When I am content, I do not feel the need to write. Perhaps this is because I am afraid to flaunt my happiness in a public way, in the fear that others might see it as insensitive. Or maybe I genuinely do not have anything to warrant a rant during these periods.

Ironically I feel that my best posts are those full of confusion, doubt or angst. I find therapy in the written word and I feel a sense of achievement once a post is complete. The idea is that this theory transfers to all types of artists from poets to painters and musicians to actors seems to make sense.

Can these artists only produce work about hurt, pain, sorrow and negativity? Maybe not, or if so, is it because those emotions produce the best creativity? Arguably this very idea is subjective as a work of art can be perceived by one person as positive and another as negative.

So perhaps not all the best artists are tortured, but I gurantee the first artists that spring to mind most definately were!